Hello?! can you see me down here?

I've realized what my problem is lately. I've been in the midst of a bit of a mild depression. Started out with my friend leaving, my closest friend came for 2 weeks in March and then left. And reminded me what my life could have been like had I never met David on the internet and ventured forth across the ocean to this country. I could have had her in my life (rather than a world apart) and a different path to travel and a different husband (or maybe not one at all?) and a different child, or perhaps not one at all. It's all very strange. I have no regrets, but wow, do I ever still get lonely sometimes. Not lonely for just anyone, but lonely for her and for home and for the people that love me for ME and that shared history and the people that like me even though I can be shitty sometimes.

Since she left, I have felt a bit lost and out of it. Things would upset me to the extreme. Animals being hurt (even sea creatures being smashed on the rocks) set me off into a day of crying. I would feel angry about the injustices of the world and would take it personally. I was tough and mean but at the same time, very fragile and upset. A comment from David would set me off and he would stare at me like I was a slimy monster from the deep. My patience with Alira (while never in huge massive abundance like some of the earth mothers I have the misfortune to know) was quite a bit less as well. These little things started to raise a small quiet alarm bell in me. My nerves were raw and I just didn't feel right.

The 'bike' episode is over, that friendship with her is over, and will never be the same. I have felt bad about that, and feel wrongly accused and wrongly thought of, but I am over that, I simply cannot explain myself anymore and she's no longer listening anyway. I don't care at this point, well, that's not true, I can't afford to care, it is taking too much out of me. Every friendship is a season, and this one was about a year.

I am ready to run and to have a new start, I have found a new job for David, he just has to get hired for it. Hehe. We'll see how that goes. I don't want to live 8 hours away from my parents anymore. They are getting older, I am getting older, Alira is asking for the daily. I need them closer, or I need me closer to them.

I am now 32 + 1 day old. I am ready for a new challenge. I am thinking of another baby (and then I don't think of it as that is insane) but I am ready for something, just something to change and to have it be a good change. And I don't think a baby would be it no matter how much I want to nuzzle my own newborn again.

I am crawling out of the hole. My turning point was Friday when I was at a Mothers of Preschoolers group and the coordinator came up to me to wish me a happy birthday for the 25th and gave me a handmade beaded bracelet as my birthday 'blessing'. That simple thing, which she probably didn't think twice about, was when my mind and heart turned around and I started to see the light again from within this dark hole. Someone cared, someone gave me a few seconds of time and that's all it took for me to feel that there is a point to all this crap. :)
So, thanks Karen. You saved me that day, I really needed it.