Being Bambaloo

Transferred over...

2008-09-16T18:47:00.001+10:00

If you want to keep reading this blog...it's now :

http://canadiangirl-in-oz.blogspot.com/

So head over there and change your bookmarks. Phew. What a big job.

Transferring this over...to a blog that f'ing WORKS

2008-09-16T13:51:00.001+10:00

Ok, so the big task is upon me..I am going to cut and paste every single entry. To a new blog. Pictures will be missing, but at least I will be able to add things.

Get ready....set...GO!

Art

2008-09-07T18:35:00.004+10:00

Congrats to Nick Leahy, (my best buddy Farouks' partner) on his first exhibition.

http://www.robynbauergallery.com.au/artists/nick_leahy

(scroll down the page as it doesn't load right!)

We went to Brisbane over the weekend, it was a bit of a long day (A BIT? Who am I kidding!?), we spent the afternoon at SouthBank and then the evening at the exhibition. No babysitters anywhere to be seen so Alira joined us. She did amazingly well, only a few hiccups. Literally. During the speech opening the exhibition, I could hear Alira hiccuping across the room and did some frantic sign language to David for him to please get her a drink. But all went well.

It was strange to be back in the adult world, I must say. I've been out of it for a few years now and feel quite out of practice. Out of practice with conversation, out of practice with arty people and talk that doesn't revolve around kids. It was really strange and surreal.

I've been battling a low grade headache for 3 days and am quite sick of it. I'm hoping it makes its exit tomorrow or else I'm going to scream!

Happy Aussie Fathers day to my Dad and David. :)

And so, another week starts.....

Spring has Sprung

2008-08-30T14:15:00.003+10:00

And thank goodness for that! I can smell it in the air, that warmth in the wind and it's glorious! I love this time of year, right before the big heat hits me like a ton of bricks.
It means no more layers, no more jeans and heavy socks. Less clothes to pile onto Alira and it's fantastic!

Today David and Alira went to the local pool, to celebrate spring with a swim. I managed to find a bathing suit she still fit into so that was a bonus as well. David wants to start bringing her for swimming lessons, but I think until her ears improve (ie. don't get infected everytime she gets sick), we will be avoiding "head under water" and lessons for some time to come.

That's ok though, she's getting older and she's closer to 4 now than 3 and time is ticking along, she has the rest of her life for all these new activities.

We have received news of the xmas present my parents are buying us. Cirque du Soleil tickets for all of us. Which will be totally fabulous as I've never even see them in my home country, where they were created.
Very exciting. I think Alira will like it as well and I'm hoping it will be entertaining enough for her to make it through the entire show.

I'm now starting to plan my trip north. Which means that every dinner I make that has leftovers, I put that in the fridge for David. I know I know, I'm way too nice for her, but he does have to fend on his own for about 2.5 weeks so need to help out where I can!

My inlaws touch back down into the country tomorrow. There is so much drama from that trip to the UK that I am looking forward to hearing their convoluted truth about it, considering I got the real deal from SIL who hosted them for 6 weeks. Brave (crazy) woman.

To the beach for fish and chips tonight. How much more Australian can you get?

I've searched and searched....

2008-08-28T08:26:00.003+10:00

There is no answer as to why I can't convert this blog to a layout formation and I'm pretty much given up doing that.
I may have readers, I may not. And I will never be able to track them, count them, see where they are from, nothing!
And I will just have to be ok with that. Apart from me literally copying and pasting every single blog entry into another blog, well, I don't know how bored I will be to actually do that one day? hmm...it's a thought.

Stay tuned..

I hate you blogger

2008-08-21T16:15:00.001+10:00

I've noticed around the joint that people have really cool trackers (they can even see the area that people are from that are reading!?) and number trackers and all this stuff. But for some reason, this blog won't switch over and it's give me that Layout button. Yes I have followed the directions, but it just doesn't work for me.
I'm over it! if I could just transfer this to another blog site, I would. But I don't want to start from scratch again and lose all that I have so far! Any ideas?
Sigh.

Decision made, lips sealed

2008-08-11T15:05:00.002+10:00

Forgot to mention that I have made a decision with this second child thing!
So that part of my stress with the to'ing and fro'ing is happily over.

Yay for me, and us. :)

Oh Canada....

2008-08-11T14:51:00.002+10:00

I love my country, I really REALLY do, but man we are hopeless.
Look at this medal tally:
http://results.beijing2008.cn/WRM/ENG/INF/GL/95A/GL0000000.shtml

Where is Canada? Nada, zero, no medals, I don't even know if we have a hope in hell of getting one! Look at that though,Uzbekistan has one! My god!

We aren't swimmers, divers, cyclists, tennis players. We seem to be skiiers, skaters, ice hocky players (but still very hard to topple the almighty US in anything!)...and I'm hoping that we have more of a presence in the next winter olympics. Should be pretty good considering it will be in Vancouver. That should help us a bit!

I'm not really watching much olympics this time around. Each time I see footage, I can barely watch through the pea-green soup of air surrounding everything. I watched more with Athens because I was halfway through my pregnancy and could do what I wanted and didn't have to share the tv with a very bossy 3.5 year old. Sure made it easier back then!

I ended up not getting major sick, just feeling a bit blergh. I can handle that any day!

My poor Canadians.... lets hope we kick ass in the snow!

Follow the Leader

2008-08-10T11:40:00.004+10:00

I think I have a little follower on my hands. During soccer on friday, Alira's friend didn't feel like 'doing soccer' and wasn't quite herself. Tantrum over shoes apparently before arriving at the soccer field turned her right off the whole thing. Well, Alira, who previously was quite excited about it all, immediately picked up her friends mood and decided that she 'didn't want to do it' either.
Isn't it sad when that happens? I didn't really think that I would have created an extrovert or a take charge kinda kid, but I sort of wanted one that would at least just do what she wanted, regardless of the others.
So soccer was a bit of a disappointment and once she had a fall on the field, well, that was it for her. Anyway, we will try again next week and hopefully her friend will be a good mood as it seems like that makes all the difference.

I have awoken this morning with the dreaded sore head, sore throat et al, and I'm wondering, where is this going to go? Hopefully will go quickly and quietly without affecting my week too badly. David has taken Alira out to the beach so I can clean the kitchen in peace and then crawl back to bed.

When is this germ shit going to be OVER!?!?
Sigh.

*I refuse to admit to myself that Alira sounded a bit more stuffed up today, as my mind simply does NOT WANT TO GO THERE with the possibility of another cold/virus/whatever this friggen soon after the last one*

Looking up, again.

2008-08-06T08:21:00.002+10:00

I seem to always write these posts, following an illness, that things are looking up. And here is my looking up post again!

After another trip to the dr. on Sat, Alira was given AB's, which I hate, but at the same time I love with all my heart as they brought my girl back to me. With a double ear infection, tonisillitis and chest infection courtesy of the flu, she did need them. Her naps have stopped and she's happy and energetic. Her happiness is a bit of a debate though as she gets very moody on AB's, but hey, I can deal with that as she's awake and alive!

And so my friends, here ends yet another saga in the Blog of Illness and Germs. May it be the last flu for a VERY long time.

Back to the land of the living this week and it feels good. :)

Top 10 in the "worst week ever" stakes...

2008-08-01T10:38:00.002+10:00

I've said many times on here how I hate being sick with sick kids, or sick kids with me soon to be sick...any combination thereof pretty much sucks.

Well, Alira has been sick a lot in the last 2 years, the usual toddler/preschool colds and earaches (man does she ever get earaches!). She mixes with a lot of different kids throughout the week, which means she is mixing with a lot of different germs. My instinct is to close her up in a plastic bubble with sterilizing hand gel in huge tubs around us, but that doesn't bode well with her socialization.

We have hit the jackpot now though Folks. This has been the big one. As of Monday night and continuing on all week, I have never seen my child so sick. What started out as 'yet another winter cold' is actually the flu. Influenza strain from hell. I took her to the doctor yesterday. He calmly nodded his head and said "oh yeah, she's the 25th I've seen this week with it". Nothing can be done, as it's viral. Sleep, fluids, vitamin C and hope for the best. Pray this doesn't turn into pneumonia and that's about all you can do.
I've been worried and tired and feel so bad for her. She is just so ill, my heart is ripped out when she asks me when she will get better. I just don't know, it's been 5 days now and I just don't know.

She is sleeping like there is no tomorrow...hours at a time. While it's nice and quiet around the house because of it, and I'm getting a lot of reading done, all I want is my bouncy happy little girl back. I really do miss her.

I'm an idiot, sorry!

2008-07-28T08:43:00.004+10:00

Many people have asked the outcome of my decision/our decision.I guess it's because when I'm trying to sort something out, I talk about it, so the world knows I am contemplating a second. To everyone, to anyone, to random strangers-I ask their opinion, and thoughts. I look for and seek out information and others' life experiences, in order to find an answer for myself. It can be quite annoying for everyone (just ask my parents who have had to be my sounding board my entire life!) but I've been like this forever and no matter how hard I try to change, I just can't. So I've given up on that.

I know now, the answer has to come from me. And I'm waiting for a sign. Something inside me will let me know. Am I right to put a deadline on it? I don't know yet.

The one time in my life I've had a clear message from God was in regards to a job I was going for. I am pro-choice, pro-women, pro-family planning, pro-contraception and I was going for a job at a family planning clinic. I thought it would be right up my alley, with all that I believed in and held dear as a woman and as a nurse. During the interview (which I was doing very well in btw), the woman told me that part of the position would require that I assist with terminations, some quite late stage. Hmm..I pondered that. And then thought "I will have to think about this later" and continued the interview.
I was offered the job and told them I would get back to them the next day. I knew, that with this sort of position, I needed to sink into myself and honestly analyze how I felt about it. I knew my belief was pro-choice, I knew this cognitively, but did I feel it emotionally? Did I feel it enough to be able to dispose of a fully formed fetus (regardless of the situation of its conception) or assist a doctor in its removal?
HUGE questions here, ones I never had to actually confront before.

That night was a battle for me. Talk about being in 2 places at once with my head and heart. David was going nuts listening to me going on about the pros and cons. I slept on it and I woke up with one clear thought, one clear sentence. It was like someone spoke inside my head.
And I remember it even today:
"He would not be happy" (if I did this job)".
There was no thought about me being happy, but just Him being happy, or not happy as the case may be.

And so, with no other concrete reason, then that sentence ringing in my head, I turned down the job. Was that the right decision? I don't know. I could have been a great nurse in that clinic, I could have helped women at a very tough time in their lives. But I had a 'sign' (and there was no mistaking it) and so, right or wrong, it was the way it was supposed to be for me.

And here I am today, waiting for myself to wake up with a sentence about this second child thing. And damn, it better happen before August!

There is one thing I have decided though, and that is to not tell anyone the final outcome. I have had so much flack from both camps (only child supporters, and second child supporters) that I will simply be announcing a decision has been made and then ...awhile down the track... I will be telling everyone that either David has had a vasectomy or announcing a due date. How's that for suspense?
Yes, I know, I'm mean. But how awful for me, if I finally make a decision, only to have everyone try to change my mind? Torturous I tell you....I'm not that much of a glutton for punishment!

Decision time...

2008-07-22T14:45:00.003+10:00

I think I've made my decision. David is at a 60/40 split with his so will keep quiet until I know for sure which way he's leaning. He's got until the end of July.

And, for your viewing pleasure....My girl at soccer...

Ignore the massive tshirt. After the lesson they got her one that fit a lot better!

Limbo

2008-07-12T18:22:00.002+10:00

Still in limbo about the baby decision, depending on my mood and the moment I can be very anti-second child and then very anti-only child. It is heartwrenching. What I really want is for fate to step in for me and either A. Give me a contraception failure or B. Medically make me unable to have more kids. And then it isn't my decision anymore and I can mourn whatever the decision is and move on. Either way.

Sigh. Big sigh.

Opening my Eyes

2008-07-05T21:03:00.003+10:00

As a very happy and contented only child, I have never noticed or cared about sibling relationships. I can honestly say that I have never really missed a sibling, it's like missing a favourite sweater you have never owned before so you don't even feel its loss. I supposed in the back of my mind I wondered what it would be like to have someone to share a history with, parents with and a life with, but it was never a burning desire to have a brother or sister. It was more of a casual "hmmm, that might be fun", quickly followed by a "nah, I don't want to share my stuff". End of story.

But, as I am now the mother of 1, I am watching and looking around at siblings and, for the first time in my life, I am questioning the best thing to do for my daughter. Not the "right" thing to do as I don't feel this is a question of 'right or wrong', but more a question of "best".

A lot of women simply know what they want. They just know they want x number of children or they know what they don't want, I have heard many say "I don't want more than 3 or 4". Which is also as important. My entire life I knew I always wanted one. But now I'm wondering if I forgot 2 words in that statement. And those words are "at least". I am looking around and seeing siblings now- little ones, big ones, sisters and sisters, brothers and brothers, brothers and sisters ...and I want to know what is best. Is it better to have a sibling to learn about unconditional love (and hate, at the very same time!) and how to resolve conflict with someone that lives with you and isn't a parent, and how to work out feelings of jealousy and sharing and knowing that you are not "IT"-the culmination of your parents dreams because there is someone else to share that burden. And oh yes, that is quite the burden.
And when parents die, you know you won't be alone. And when you have kids, you know those kids will have a blood related aunt/uncle. And for the parents, is it nice to know that you have an 'heir and a spare'. Is it important for you to know that if something were to happen to one child, at least you would still be able to parent your other one?
I am struggling big time with these questions. I am also scared out of my wits as I have always felt this sense of pushing my luck if I tried for another child. So much bad stuff can happen...so much out of my control and I hate that.

How lucky am I?
Why can't I just have someone tell me what to do and have that be the best thing?

Quilting

2008-06-28T13:15:00.002+10:00

I wanna learn how to quilt! WAAAHHHH! *stomps feet*

I am a hopeless crafty person, I want to be one sooo bad, but it doesn't come naturally to me. I can scrapbook (barely) and I can cross-stitch, but that's about it.

Quilts have always called to me. It's in my heritage as both great great grandmothers and great grandmothers on every single side and angle of my family were amazing quilters. My mom can't quilt though so she isn't much help with my tutoring. I don't have a good sewing machine, and my mothers friend has kindly offered me hers. I have begged a lesson from her as well and will do that tomorrow. So far, all I've managed is some hopeless hand stitching (I am not a perfectionist type person so I'm wonder if I'm a bit too slap happy for this time of exact craft?) and managed to look at about a million "how to quilt" books and mags ...and it still seems very complicated to me. Although everyone says it's not.

I went to a Craft thing today at the church, but it was more like a 'bring your own work and do it' thing rather than a 'here sit down and learn' thing. But I still got some info about regular groups anyway.

So yes, new challenge ahead...quilting. I will keep this blog updated about it and post pics of my successes and failures, so people can laugh at me.

A few weeks of school holidays ahead now...and I'm wondering how I will be keeping Alira busy. I've got her enrolled in a soccer program coming up in July so have that to look forward to at least!

Hugs to all...and happy umm...quilting?
;)

Happy Birthday Mom

2008-06-23T19:34:00.003+10:00

My mother is 57 today. As she doesn't know about this blog, I can state her age without fear of repercussions. It's funny how I never really appreciated her when I was a kid. She was just always Mom, always THERE and just mine to talk to, whinge to, be a horrid teenager to..you get the picture...

I didn't have to share her with anyone else, (being an only child), I had her 100% attention, her 100% love and of course, 100% of the blame when something happened and I couldn't pretend a sibling did it!

As she gets older though, I realize how lucky I am to have her. In 1980 she was diagnosed with a brain tumour and was given 6 months to live-a very poor prognosis. The surgery that was done saved her life, but left her permanently relying on medication in order to continue living. She no longer has a pituitary gland (anyone with a biology background knows that the pituitary is pretty much needed for basic life!) so therefore doesn't produced hormones, adrenaline and various other life sustaining things. It's not called the "master gland" for nothing! Her life is thanks to pills she takes everyday. She was given 10-15 years post surgery in terms of her life expectancy. But it is now a miraculous 28 years later and she is still here. Her bad days are a bit more frequent (she tires easily and sometimes has a hard time getting going in the morning depending on her cortisol levels) but hey, I'm not picky. My mom is still with me, and I'm happy to have her, low energy or not.

It has been a true gift from God that she has made it this far in order to see her grandchild and know Alira and bond with her. And for Alira to know her and love her. They have such a special relationship and I stand at the sidelines when they are together and can practically see the love streaming from my mother to my daughter and it is so thick and fast it is almost a tangible thing.

So, Happy Birthday Mom, you are my miracle, and even though I never really thought twice about you being here for me when I was a selfish child/teenager and was just used to my mother being a constant in my life, I am now thankful every day simply for the gift of you being here. You have taught me how to be a mom and that has been the greatest thing you have ever given me. Will always love you and I hope we have a million more years together!

Homesick

2008-06-05T19:14:00.004+10:00

It's strange, but as I'm nearing my 9th wedding anniversary on June 12th, and therefore my 9th anniversary of arriving in Australia on Canada Day (can we say ironic?) July 1st, I am becoming more and more homesick. It's a tiresome thing, I would get bouts of it in the past and would simply bat it away like an annoying gnat and think about the cold, the snow, the freezing rain, and then back to the cold again and then I would be ok for another few months as I lounged on a beach or by a pool or simply sniffed the tropical air or saw a kangaroo in my yard.

But lately, I don't know, my heart just isn't in Australia at the moment and my mind is lingering back. I don't know what I'm missing from Canada (other than Michelle of course) as my parents don't live there anymore, my beautiful Gran has passed away, I have 4 cousins that I don't really know anything about other than their names (long story) an uncle I speak with regularly on the phone but never saw much even when I lived in Canada as he lives in the States so our relationship continues the same whatever country I'm in, and another grandmother who has Alzhemiers and a grandfather who, while I love dearly, I was never exceptionally close to.
So, I'm wracking my brain. What IS IT that I am homesick for?
Memories of happier times? Feeling a part of somewhere? Knowing I belong?

And then I'm wondering, is it really homesickness or just wanting to leave HERE? Rather than necessarily craving Canada. I'm ready for a new adventure.

My inlaws are giving me grief, my BIL went into my SIL's email and read an email I wrote to her, (thinking I was safe to do so) and well, I wasn't. There will be fallout from that, even though I did write him and apologize for what I said, (even though he snooped) and even though it wasn't that bad and was simply a case of our usual email banter which consists of 2 SIL's coping with being in this family. Her and I have a whinge about things and it helps both of us. But I don't think she put her hand up to tell HIM what she says in emails to me. hmm....I'm just the bad guy here....

BUT,
Since day 1 I have been an outsider in this family. I think it has to do with the fact that David and I didn't date in the normal sense of the word, in fact I met my whole new family at the airport when I arrived, already married to David. I am different from them, even I admit that. I talk funny with an accent (so they say) and I am too upfront and too emotional and this family I married is oh so not upfront and emotional and frankly I don't think they knew what to do with me. So they kept me out. I hold grudges, I don't complete things, I run away when things get too hard. But it's kinda hard to run away when I have the same last name as these people.

So yes, I guess I'm homesick. Sick of THIS home. And I want something new to happen...new house, new SOMETHING.

Hello?! can you see me down here?

2008-05-26T11:58:00.002+10:00

I've realized what my problem is lately. I've been in the midst of a bit of a mild depression. Started out with my friend leaving, my closest friend came for 2 weeks in March and then left. And reminded me what my life could have been like had I never met David on the internet and ventured forth across the ocean to this country. I could have had her in my life (rather than a world apart) and a different path to travel and a different husband (or maybe not one at all?) and a different child, or perhaps not one at all. It's all very strange. I have no regrets, but wow, do I ever still get lonely sometimes. Not lonely for just anyone, but lonely for her and for home and for the people that love me for ME and that shared history and the people that like me even though I can be shitty sometimes.

Since she left, I have felt a bit lost and out of it. Things would upset me to the extreme. Animals being hurt (even sea creatures being smashed on the rocks) set me off into a day of crying. I would feel angry about the injustices of the world and would take it personally. I was tough and mean but at the same time, very fragile and upset. A comment from David would set me off and he would stare at me like I was a slimy monster from the deep. My patience with Alira (while never in huge massive abundance like some of the earth mothers I have the misfortune to know) was quite a bit less as well. These little things started to raise a small quiet alarm bell in me. My nerves were raw and I just didn't feel right.

The 'bike' episode is over, that friendship with her is over, and will never be the same. I have felt bad about that, and feel wrongly accused and wrongly thought of, but I am over that, I simply cannot explain myself anymore and she's no longer listening anyway. I don't care at this point, well, that's not true, I can't afford to care, it is taking too much out of me. Every friendship is a season, and this one was about a year.

I am ready to run and to have a new start, I have found a new job for David, he just has to get hired for it. Hehe. We'll see how that goes. I don't want to live 8 hours away from my parents anymore. They are getting older, I am getting older, Alira is asking for the daily. I need them closer, or I need me closer to them.

I am now 32 + 1 day old. I am ready for a new challenge. I am thinking of another baby (and then I don't think of it as that is insane) but I am ready for something, just something to change and to have it be a good change. And I don't think a baby would be it no matter how much I want to nuzzle my own newborn again.

I am crawling out of the hole. My turning point was Friday when I was at a Mothers of Preschoolers group and the coordinator came up to me to wish me a happy birthday for the 25th and gave me a handmade beaded bracelet as my birthday 'blessing'. That simple thing, which she probably didn't think twice about, was when my mind and heart turned around and I started to see the light again from within this dark hole. Someone cared, someone gave me a few seconds of time and that's all it took for me to feel that there is a point to all this crap. :)
So, thanks Karen. You saved me that day, I really needed it.

Permanent Paint and random ripoffs

2008-05-18T11:42:00.003+10:00

I don't think I'm a total neat freak, but I don't really like stained clothes and messy stuff, at least when it could be prevented.

We went to a kids festival yesterday. Can we say RIP OFF. I always know (in case I've forgotten) that I live 'on the coast' when we go do something and it's totally overpriced. Just cause it can be because we 'live in paradise'.
Ooohhh those quoted statements really bug the hell out of me, and I hear them said on a daily basis. Just pick up the local paper and its like the media is trying to convince everyone just how wonderful it is here when the population is starting to clue in to the farce.

So anyway, we needed something to do so we went. It was kind of weird, it's like they tried to set it up properly but they failed. Our wrist bands (proving we have paid and gotten ripped off) said "Byron Bay Music Festival 2007", they couldn't even get their own, just got some cast offs.

There were kids activities, consisting of a graffiti wall to paint-(let the kids learn how to deface property early!)-, various arts and crafts, glue that didn't stick and face painting.
I was quite disappointed to find out that they didn't use washable paint and both Alira's top and pants are pretty well wrecked. A kids festival with permanent paint? And no smocks offered to cover clothes? Well, being how I am now, which is a complaining bitch, I wrote a quick email to the coordinator just asking why they didn't use washable paint. Her answer was "the volunteers were supposed to keep the paint out of reach of the children". Umm..ok then, so they were just supposed to watch while the adults painted all the kids crafts and art? Made no sense. Like so much doesn't make sense around here.

So after a $15 admission fee, a $3.oo barely edible hotdog and a very unappetizing $4.00 hamburger, we left to another rip-off place for some frozen yogurt and proceeded to pay $12 for 3 small cones. Sigh. Never ends does it? The owner was saying how his profits from the cones were only making the rent. No shit! Drop the prices and you would be busier, just like the gelati place next door..It's not rocket science.

I am working this weekend, it was a good shift. I'm hoping for another good one tonight. Fingers crossed.

Finally, I've learned a lot lately. Mainly that the vast majority of people don't think it's cool to give a kid a bike for her birthday and then request it back a month later. Food for thought.

"Just gotta get through....."

2008-05-02T12:46:00.004+10:00

I've noticed something about myself. I have spent the majority of my teenage and adult life uttering "Just gotta get through x,y,z" (whatever x, y and z happens to be at the time). Am I wishing my life away or what?

I found myself saying that again this morning. Last night after I had a few strong drinks (first time in like a year might I add) I went up to bed and laid down for 15 blissful minutes and was drifting to sleep. Until I heard "Mooooommm!!". Got up to find Alira needing to go to the bathroom and burning up with a fever. And then I knew I was in for it.

In our house it is a big no-no for her to ever come into our bed, no matter what, so I got a spare mattress and laid it on the floor of her room to be near her in case she needed me. At about 12:15am I realized that (this time)it just wasn't going to work as she kept crying every 10 mins. due to seeing monsters in her room. This has never happened before, I don't know if it was fever related or just a new thing. After seeing the clock and the fact that I would probably only get maybe 5 hours of broken sleep if I was lucky, I did the unthinkable and put her in bed with me. I cringe just thinking about how tonight is going to go when she yells at me and is angry (rightly so) about the fact that I teased her with this one time won't do it again. Poor baby.

This morning I muttered "just gotta get through this weekend" (a weekend filled of her being sick, of me needing to work 2 late shifts on Sat and Sun and leaving David in charge with a list of numbers to call in case she gets worse or her ears start to blow out) and realized just how often I say those words.
JUST GOTTA GET THROUGH IT....*whatever*

Where is the enjoying of life? Why is everything simply a torture to "get through" and "get over" and "get it done with".

I thought maybe this was a new thing, a lovely bonus that arrived along with my pink bundle of joy. Here is your baby and oh yeah, a new saying that you will utter when the household gets sick or you have a lot of shifts at work or some various other event that I don't enjoy occurs regularly and routinely. Was it a mother thing? Or a Me thing?

But then I looked hard at myself. And I remember getting a calendar on my first day of grade nine and counting the days until I would graduate-I wasn't a huge fan of highschool, and wanted to know just how long my jail term would be. And then I remember when I started nursing, I would look ahead to see when my final exam would be. And all the while saying to myself "Just gotta get through....."

So now, I'm embarking on yet another weekend to "Just get through" and survive. And it's a bit sad. And I really don't want to keep thinking that way anymore.

Sometimes I get really pissed off...

2008-04-24T16:20:00.006+10:00

about my career choice. I am the first nurse in the family, no one really understood why I wanted to be a nurse, I didn't really know myself actually. But I went to this info session about careers and there was a nurse there who said that being an RN opened up so many doors to her, she could pick and chose exactly what she wanted to do and having that qualification led her in so many directions. THE WORLD WAS HER OYSTER because she had an RN after her name. I thought "wow, a ticket to do whatever I want! I want THAT".
And I was good in science and liked biology and could tolerate people to some degree so it kinda fit. I think, in actual fact, I just liked knowing 'stuff', like how the body worked, and how meds worked and why this happened or that happened in medicine. I really should have been a doctor but didn't want to spend all that time in med school or work that hard, so nursing was the easier thing, and I'm a lazy ass so it was ok. I breezed through the nursing program. What was so hard about going to lectures and then doing exams? No papers to write, nothing to figure out, it was all 'cut and dried'. And when I graduated with my golden ticket, I learned something. That the nurse at the info session was a fraud and pretty much full of shit. She sucked me in big time, into a dying profession with no hope for the average RN.

I moved to Australia 3 weeks after getting my RN qualification. I then had to wait 6 months to get my Australian license. And then I started to look for work and I realized, hey, this sucks! All that was on offer for a new nurse was wards and shift work and awful things that I don't like. Where were the exciting clinic jobs? The specialty doctors looking for a great practice nurse for their office? Where was the Red Cross looking for ME to work at the blood bank? Where were the sexual health clinics looking for ME to do their patient histories and testing and counselling? Where was it?!? It was nowhere, it doesn't exist. Ok, I lie. It exists alright, but you have to have a few extra degrees after your RN, and be kissing up to the head of the department at the same time as trying to find out who to kiss up to! It's a JOKE.

There are 3 specialities I have been interested in throughout my (har har) nursing career. They are Forensic Nursing, Sexual Health Nursing and Nursing Informatics. Fairly new fields in this country which is 20 years behind my homeland.
My problem? I can't write a term paper to save my life, so will probably have to go to school to learn how to do that before I can go to school for a specialty, my college education wasn't like university term paper/APA referencing etc..etc... But hey, I'll do that if need be. Another problem...lack of JOBS. I spend money on tuition and thus lose money by not working and at the end of it, will have no job in the field I like, so why bother doing it in the first place? And 3rdly, the elusive "who do you know" crap. It's all WHO YOU KNOW. And I know no one who could get me in at the coroners office or the sexual health clinic or anywhere I want to be.

So you know what? Don't go into nursing. Not unless you are happy with ward work, hospital work, or aged care. Because at the end of the day, THAT IS ALL YOU WILL BE DOING.
Trust me.

And to that wonderful nurse that sucked me in? I hope you get yours one day as here I am in my career completely without hope when at the end of the day I should have simply been a librarian. What a wasted decade I've had.
So thanks very much.

For the love of CLOTHES!

2008-04-20T08:35:00.002+10:00

My god, my daughter has turned into a teenager, with a 3 year old temper. I would see my friends struggle with their child about what their child wanted to wear, or would agree to wearing. And Alira NEVER did that. She just happily put on what I laid out for her and that was that.

NO MORE.
My days of bliss are over. Now it's a falling down, yelling "I don't wanna wear that!", "I want to wear a DRESS!", "a FAIRY dress!". It's getting cold now, no dresses, no fairy dresses. It's ridiculous. I am attempting to do that Choice Tactic. Where I give her 2 choices and that's it. But it doesn't seem to be working very well.

On a side note, been a bit stress lately and can I just say I am OVER it. The end, done.

I am going to put forth an effort to be meet a friend R next week and a friend J next week as well. These are 2 girls that I have wanted to get to know better, but always for one reason or another, we haven't been able to meet up much. Usually due to sickness with one of our children being germ riddled. But we'll work it out. Onward and upward!

Spending the weekend at work hasn't been fun, another evening shift tonight. But it's money right? David now knows after 'talk' with him that I would appreciate not having to wash up all the dinner dishes when I walk into the door after a hard shift at 11pm. Isn't it amazing what men don't care or think about? Sigh.

And now to battle Alira over what to wear when we go out to get groceries....

3 years, 3 months.

2008-03-27T18:30:00.004+10:00

Miss Alira, you are growing up on me so fast! Where has the time gone. 3 months have passed since you turned 3, and it has been an interesting ride lately. You are making your way through the minefield of friendships, and independence and being a follower (not so much a leader right now, but that's ok) and getting along with people. Your emotions are still so strong right now. When you are angry, you tense up like you've been shocked by an electric cable and I can feel every part of you is trying not to scream (or swear, but of course you don't know any of those bad words do you?!) and you just yell out "blablahblah" and stick your tongue out instead. It takes all of my power NOT to laugh at this, but due to the seriousness of your feelings, I always laugh later when you aren't around to see it.

I think you love me. Not that you are 100% sure what love is or why you feel it, but in the morning when I crawl into your 'fairy' bed with you for a snuggle, you wrap your arms around me and say so seriously "mom, I love you" and give me a kiss and hug. It's pure bliss and pretty much makes up for the fact that I'm woken up every single solitary morning against my will with you calling me. But that's ok, this is the job I've signed up for and it's all a part of it. I wouldn't trade it for the world. Although occasionally sleeping till 730am would be an amazing treat for your old Mom.

We have had a new invention in our house, it's a beautiful idea called "The Poo Fairy". Yes, it does sound a bit gross, but hey, I am at my wits end and am willing to do whatever works. You simply have not gotten to the point of letting go of the control over your poo and refuse to poo anywhere but a diaper. Well, The Poo Fairy has changed all that, and once I mentioned this magical creature, you were well and truly intrigued. The Poo Fairy first visited over Easter, so I think you had a mental image of The Poo Fairy and the Easter Bunny delivering your presents hand in hand. Unfortunately the Easter Bunny only works one night a year (what a great job) and the Poo Fairy is on patrol most nights. Every day there is a poo in a potty, the Poo Fairy is made aware of this and a special fairy sticker is delivered during the night. Thankfully I have a ton of them so am well stocked. You are quite stubborn and each day I am never sure (Poo Fairy or not) if you are actually going to continue this trend of poo'ing in a potty, as each day it's a bit of struggle and I'm hoping the glorious allure of the Poo Fairy is just enough to keep you movtivated. I'm wondering if stickers won't be enough and will I be enlisting the Poo Fairy to be delivering designer jeans and cell phones one day? Please god, I hope not.

You are a complicated girl, yet a back to basics one, at least with your food right now. You love raw food, but hate it cooked. I've never seen a kid chow down into raw mushrooms like you do, but if they are cooked on pizza, or in a sauce, forget it. Same with all pizza topping actually, you will eat all the pizza ingredients raw, but remove everything from the pizza and just eat the base. It drives me a little insane. It's so strange, but wonderful and yet another cute little bit of YOU.

You are now on the waiting list for pre-prep. I'm scared how it will go, more scared than ever really. How will I ever let you go? How will I handle not knowing exactly what you are doing every minute of the day? You will learn new games, new things, new songs and it won't BE FROM ME! How is this possible?

So I will have to grow up too and let you go, won't I? As long as you come back and tell me about your day, I JUST might be able to handle it.

Love you...Mom.

Happy Easter!

2008-03-23T15:58:00.001+10:00

It's been a long time between drinks, err posts. :)

My friend Michelle has been and left. I was nervous going to the airport to get her, not only because I just hate going to the airport, but I was thinking "will we recognize each other?" (yes, I'm stupid, of course we would!).

I saw her and it was like the years melted away. We had our connection back just like when we were in highschool. We talked about everything and everyone, catching up on old news and sharing memories. The 2 weeks she was here positively flew by.

We spent a weekend on Fraser Island. While it was lovely, I probably wouldn't go back. Can we talk rip off? I hate being overcharged for things. But our nightwalk tour was great and we did so well to go considering michelle and I are both not fans of things that are out at night, especially australian creepy things.

I have more to say...but Alira has just returned home from the beach with grandparents in tow...have to go rescue all 3 of them...

3 kids? No thanks.

2008-03-01T20:14:00.002+10:00

I had the experience today of minding 3 kids for about an hour and a half. An 8 month old and two 3 year olds. To say it was interesting is an understatement. I had to referee the 3 year olds and the 8 month old wasn't in the mood to be put down so had to pretty much be carried the whole time. Makes me wonder how my SIL is going to do it when she pops out her twins...hehe. Train wreck anyway?

It was fun, but the best part was handing two of them back and just taking one home. I was able to make dinner in peace and only had to deal with one child's demands and questions. I suppose it really solidified for me, in my mind, that I am pretty well happy with just one. Ask me in another year when she's at school, and I might have a change of heart.

On the waiting list, and paid to do it.

2008-02-26T13:54:00.002+10:00

I just love private schools. No, Alira won't be going to one, once I found out that Prep tuition is around $10k. But she will be going to pre-prep (2 days a week) at one starting next year. But that's IF we get in. We have to give a statement written in blood, our second born child and a promise to donate our estate to them in the event of our death.

Seriously, I do have to pay a $45 waiting list fee. As it's just SO HARD to type in her name on the computer.

And then IF she gets a spot, I have to pay another $100+ in order to CONFIRM said spot. And no, that doesn't get taken off the first few days of fees. It's an interesting racket this private school thing.

I am in shock thinking of the people that pay upwards of $50k for their kid to get to grade 5. Unreal.
I would prefer to pay for Alira's unversity education at Harvard.
;)

We love the automatic photo option on the camera!

2008-02-24T11:37:00.003+10:00

I hate my hair and my smile, but I certainly do love those 2 other people in the picture with me. :)
I guess it's not a bad picture considering we set the timer on the camera and put it on the roof of the car and had to kneel down to get ourselves in the frame! haha.

Sorry in advance for repeating myself...

2008-02-24T11:21:00.000+10:00

I'm sure I've mentioned this before, many time in fact, but I can't be bothered going back through the blog to see if this is a repeat.

The toughest thing about motherhood for me, more than the sleep deprivation (although that is it's own version of living hell isn't it?), more than the tantrums in public, more than the eye gouging never ending stream of dirty diapers, food making, cleaning, picking up, entertaining is .... Being a mother when you are sick.

There, I've said. Probably for the millionth time.
I never had a great immune system since the fall of 1997. While I was in my last year of nursing, I came down with a bout of glandular fever and strep throat (at the same time thanks!) that seriously, just about killed me. I had never been so sick before. Ok I lie, I was sicker when I had food poisoning, but I'm talking about germs here. And ever since then, my immune system hasn't even really recovered. Every bug going around, I get it. Every single time Alira sneezes, I get it. And I get it worse and longer. :(

In the old days, B.A. (Before Alira) when I got sick I would curl up on the couch, nap, watch movies, read about a million books. Get up occasionally to pee, shower and eat. I could rest, relax and recuperate and it was sooo much easier.
Those days are OVER. O-V-A (like how they say it in australia).

Now, when I'm sick, I have to keep going. No naps, no books, no collapsing on the couch to recover. My life goes on except it's worse because I have to stay in the house and try to keep someone entertained with only what we have in our living room. It is my version of hell. With no family support near us, it is all back on me. I can't drop her off with anyone and who would want her when she's sick and spreading her germs around?

My body is screaming at me to sleep, to rest, to just do NOTHING.
But I can't.

Funny thing is, that when Alira is sick (and usually we are sick at the same time as she gives everything to me) she just doesn't STOP. She is coughing up a lung, or wiping snot from her nose constantly and she is still "play with me mom!" and still "do this for me, let's paint, let's draw, let's run, let's go on the swingset".
She is a modern day "energy" miracle.

So yes, the worse thing for me (which I was never warned about thanks dad!) is taking care of a child when I am sick. It is, by far, the hardest thing about being a mother.

Where is David you ask? Well, he usually gets everything last, so I'm on day 2 of feeling awful (although yesterday was a lot worse) and today he is on Day 1. So he's in bed and has been for the last 2 hours and probably there all day. And I'm downstairs. With the Muppets on tv and promises of more games later.

I feel like spitting at the women out there that bring their sick children to activities, thus infecting mine. Just because their immune systems consist of strong horse like material, doesn't mean mine does. So SHAME ON YOU Noah's mother. I saw your kid with his cough and green snot at Music last week and while I avoided him like the plague, Alira STILL got it. I am not mean enough to try to get you back and spread this back around to you now, but wow, do I ever want to.

Hello Past, how are you?

2008-02-21T16:18:00.006+10:00

One of my oldest and, used to be closest, friends is visiting me soon. She will be embarking on about 24 hours of travel to see this lovely country where I now live, oh yeah, she's going to be seeing me too...:).
I am excited, petrified (damn I HATE driving to the airport on my own), curious, anxious, and even a bit nervous.
How do you greet your past after not seeing it for about 10 years? Actually, closer to 11 years?

We met in grade 8. We were 13. We went through a lot together. Friendships came and went, ours stayed. A friend died when we were in grade 10, we got through it. She was closer to him than I was, but I tried to be there for her. We moved out of home and into a townhouse together, along with 3 other girls, and went to college. Then we fell apart. I don't know what happened, was it jealousy? On my part because she made a new friend in her class at college (I went nursing, she went early childhood education) and I felt misplaced or replaced? Or on her part as we had always looked different (I was a skinny bony twig and she wasn't and I think it was hard on her at times for us to be different sizes...back then in the 'crazy about boys' era when all that mattered was guys attention)...And we fought ...about nothing in particular and fell apart. I left the townhouse and pretty much left her life.
Her mom died in 1999. My mother went to the visitation but I didn't. I didn't think she would want to see me. The braver person would have gone anyway simply for history's sake. I was wrong and I admit it. I was young and stupid too.

I contacted her again a few years ago, and I said sorry. I remember that my apology was accepted yet no apology was given in return for her part, yes, there was a small bit of her part in this whole mess. But that's ok, as I knew I made bigger mistakes with her than she did with me. I loved her, and we moved on. For the last few years we forged a new friendship via email based on our past and getting to know each other now.

And now, she's coming.

When I think of the reams of bribe material she has on me, I start to get shivers.
:)

I am curious to see how we will mesh, the last time we connected we were around 20 and now are 32. Will it all be the same again, or all different? Will keep you posted.

When do jokes, become flirting?

2008-02-08T18:33:00.000+10:00

It's a question I am pondering today. I will preface this by saying...

My gorgeous husband has the weirdest sense of humour. He is the type to stuff a sock down his pants and walk around waiting for me to notice, or he will turn an everyday comment into something sexual. It's just him, and that's fine. I don't mind it, (but would hate it if it happened constantly of course) but he seems to joke around like this with most everyone he knows, friends, co-workers you name it.

When do jokes become flirting? And do women think that men who joke like this are overcompensating for premature ejaculation issues or impotence? I always thought that the guys talking about it are the ones not getting any... I told him this, he said I was nuts. Haha. Nuts, get it?

So he begs to differ. It's his sense of humour, he knows he doesn't cross the line and he just makes rude jokes at times.

I don't know though. He knows what he thinks, but he doesn't know what others (esp.female) are thinking when he is in the middle of his comedy routine.
(Think Billy Connelly without the swearing).

On another note:
I took apart our bed (using a real wrench! yay!) and then moved it and them put it back together again and then did the same to the single bed. Took me 1.5 hours but I did it. Huge task but now our bedroom is moved to the other end of the house where (fingers crossed) those Mo-F0 neighbours of ours won't be heard.

Never met him, didn't know him....

2008-01-25T14:10:00.000+10:00

But wow, the death of Heath Ledger really has hit me for some reason. I'm scouring the news online, my ears prick up when an announcement on the radio is made. I'm thinking of Michelle Williams and little Matilda and how they are feeling.

He was one of my favourite actors. Little Aussie kid goes to Hollywood and makes it big. His personal story is probably good enough to be a movie itself. Hollywood killed him though in the end, with the drugs, and feeling disconnected and those hints of struggle with his sexuality. It is just so unbelieveably sad.

Gone way too soon.

Good to bad

2008-01-21T10:07:00.000+10:00

We've had such a smooth run lately, I've almost not recognized myself. Survived the inlaws visit ok, but then I get home to an email from my SIL saying "oh don't you know our MIL whinges that you make excuses not to see her and bring Alira" and this is after MIL hasn't visited for about 2 years. So over it.

Recently had my SIL and BIL here (Tracy and Jon) and Tracy took off with the spare toilet paper roll again. Why do they do that? Why steal toilet papper? I'm just so over it, I think that David will have to say something to her before they can come back. It's not the cost (I can afford the .30 cents a roll or whatever it is) it's the friggen annoying principle for it. Who DOES that?

Yesterday we went to a birthday party for Alira's little friend, all went well, said friend didn't enjoy it much as she was overwhelmed and a shy kid anyway, but oh well. Alira came home and slept. Right then I should have known there was a problem, as she hasn't slept since October. Well, day sleep I mean.

She woke up with a raging temp. No idea why, no other symptoms. As a nurse, a spiking fever for reasons unknown scares me. So off to the after hours GP clinic we go. I was wondering about a urinary tract infection as she had said "ouch" when peeing recently. Who knows. Kids are a mystery. Temp at the hospital was 39.3. Ouch indeed. I brought in a urine sample for them to dipstick, but it was clear. Sigh. Started her on ab's just to be safe. At the back of my insane psycho nurse brain I always think meningococcal. Of course, as David did not agree with me bringing her in, his stance is to distance himself and not support or participate. I don't know what it is about him, but whenever he doesn't agree with me, he checks out. Even if I end up being right, which is usually 99% of the time with any medical thing concerning our child or 2 cats. We get back home, pull into the garage and she proceeds to vomit about 5 times. So something is going on.

Other than fever and no appetite, she is bright, happy and cheery. Was up chatting to me from 3-5am as I was sponging her down trying to cool her off. I am a hurting unit this morning. Lack of sleep + paranoid mother worrying syndrome is not a good combination.

I'll give it another day and then see our own GP tomorrow to see what he thinks. The fever broke mid morning, but I'm sure it will be back, it never goes away this quickly or easily.

David is uninterested and mad she's on ab's. And feels that is worse than whatever she could be fighting off. Idiot.

*sigh*

I'm feeling rough. Another joyous ride on the rollercoster called Mom.

Bring on 2008

2007-12-28T19:35:00.000+10:00

Who wouldn't love a Dora travel bed?

I'm really hoping 2008 is a good year. Not that this one has been bad, it's had its fair share of trials and tribulations but that's to be expected.

I am really sick of this sore muscle in my chest though, it's been 3 months now, COME ON.

Would it be beacause I am lugging around a 12kg child all the time?

Hmmm....

Happy New Year to everyone. Stay safe and will post again soon.

Highs and Lows

2007-12-22T16:02:00.000+10:00

On Wed, (Alira's 3rd birthday) I had one of the toughest days as a parent. Probably in the top 10 I bet.

It was her mood basically. I started the day with a ripper tantrum (her throwing it, not me) and we had another doozy leaving the mall and it was just a very hard day. I was attempting on having all my gooey lovey feelings that day too, like "oooh I was in labour 3 years ago at this very minute" type thing, but with a screaming banshee strapped into her carseat literally screaming at me to "STOP DRIVING MOMMY!" while I'm on a major highway..well, anyway, it all just wasn't working.

I cried on Wed after all that. Just like 3 years ago I was a bit teary when I first saw her.

And Alira walked up to me, seeing me bawling while I folded laundry and patted my knee and said "Mom, I so love you". And even though it was one of the shittiest days ever, that made it all worth while.

And Thursday was much better and we all got over it.

Sometimes I feel that raising my one strong willed, stubborn, independent, intelligent and regularly frustrated child, is as much hard work as raising 4 placid kids. I refuse to think of the battles she will rage against me when she is a teen or else my mind may explode.

Happy Holidays to you all. Hope Santa is good to you.

Party time.

2007-12-15T20:12:00.000+10:00

I can't believe my baby turns 3 on Wednesday. The time has flown.

The party went so well today, it erases the pain of last year.

*the best money I ever spent was on my puppet lady for the kids entertainment today, she was awesome!*

Double the trouble, half the sleep

2007-12-08T14:21:00.002+10:00

Yes, I am talking about twins.
******

I am going to be the aunt of twins. Did you think I was going to make an announcement about my own womb? No way in hell is it me. NNOOOO.

And no, it's not BIL and SIL Anthony (David's brother)and Angela who are pregnant and having them (much to their utter dismay I'm sure) as they always wanted 4 under 5 without having 4 pregnancies. This has been their one and only true goal in life. Reaching high aren't they? They just love round numbers.
I am awaiting their next "I'm pregnant" announcement but I think maybe they are waiting until that baby bonus is upped to 10 grand because they have just leased (leased! GAH leasing is the most stupid thing ever for people in the financial red as they are) 2 brand new vehicles, one being a Mini Cooper no less. Which makes so much sense when you have a family of 5?? Yes...sure it does.
Anyway..back to the story.

My BIL (Davids other brother Sam) and SIL (Ella) from the UK are having twins. It was funny (funny weird not funny ha ha) because I knew they were thinking of TTC again soon and I had asked Ella when they were here in Oct if they were and she said "no, not until the new year" and looked me dead in the face and said it.
Turns out she was about 5 weeks pregnant at the time. I hate liars. She could have just said "not sure" or "yes, we're trying so who knows" or SOMETHING. But to lie like that, for no real reason? Well, sort of pissed me off. I get pissed off easily though so maybe it's my problem to deal with.
Also pissed me off when I was trying to make an effort with her and she knocked back every offer to go do something with me, (I attempt to be nice to inlaws and bond, but after I get knocked back I then start to hide)...BUT...instead choosing to sit on the couch with her permanent cup of tea glued to her hand, and order Sam around to watch their 1.5 year old. Oh yeah, great... I am actually a tad disappointed that I am way over here and unable to watch the trainwreck. If Sam thinks he will ever have a free moment for the next 5 years, he is sorely mistaken. He has no free moments now as he is not allowed to do any hobbies he enjoys anyway. Long story....

So, they waited throughout their whole 3 week vacation here until the second before they were boarding the plane. And then they screeched and yelled out "We're PREGNANT!".

*I did hear about this second hand as I had to work that day so David was at the airport, not me. Shame.*

Apparently all the relatives were a bit stunned and then Sam and Ella ran to board the plane, waving, clapping, yelling about the baby. It was (as David said) a very "strange" way to do it.

So, now, they will have 3 under 2. And they want girls because their son is well, a boy..and they always wanted a girl for the next one and hey, bonus they might get a 2 for 1 deal.

*I have never understand gender preference. I suppose after 2 miscarriages, all I wanted was a baby..who was alive and healthy. Not much to ask for really is it? Whether it had a penis or vagina was the furthest thing from my mind*

My other SIL Angela, who tends to have kids like the world depends on it, will be so crushed..as she was the one that wanted the twins, and this will be hard for her to take. Boohoo.
I sound negative don't I? Well, I just don't understand this family. I have been in it for 8 years, but you know how it goes. You just can't chose your inlaws.

The history between Angela and I go back YEARS. It will take the rest of the week to type out the crap that has gone down with the 2 of us. I will leave that for another day, would hate to overwhelm you. As time goes on, I will paint the picture and flesh out these characters for you, so then I can get copious amounts of pity from you... :)

Till I write again.....K.

Money money money

2007-11-16T15:48:00.000+10:00

I'm feeling sooooo blah lately. All money related of course. Since Day 1, David and I have never agreed on money. I am the tight ass and he's the spender you see..

Well, looking over our last 6 months, my savings hasn't been too good. David has just been a bit OTT with what he's been buying and I haven't been fighting him (who likes to have a fight about this all the time) so have let it go..and now we are quite behind in terms of being able to pay down our mortgage in June.

So, considering whenever money is brought up, my voice appears to take on a very strange nagging tone, I decided to write him an email about it...a very breezy airy friendly email, just with the facts and let him stew on it. I haven't sent the email yet as I want him to get it next week when my parents have been gone for awhile so he doesn't think this email is a direct result of my father talking to us about our shitty finances at the moment.

Why all this game playing? I would love to be able to sit down with someone, be on the same page and just get things sorted out. But no, I married a man who is opposite, who lives for the moment (by the way, he doesn't want to work forever and will retire one day and we need MONEY for that!) and just doesn't have that long term goal that I have. I don't want to suffer in my old age and be pinching pennies on the pension. But at the rate he's going, we are going to be doing that.
After 8 years of marriage, we should have a bit more in the bank than what we do. Simple as that. So after this email is sent, I might have a bit of a drama on my hands.
I just wish he could see that it's just for the good of US, our little family, that I'm trying to sort this out! My goal isn't to ruin his fun times buying eletrical equipment and computer games.
But that's how he sees it.

Rain on the parade Kyla.

Till later....

wooohooo...I'm baaaaccckkk....

2007-11-13T16:22:00.000+10:00

Decided to change the link to this blog..and here I am.
Now I can say what I want, because my facebook is deleted and my inlaws don't know this new address.
I'm SOOO sneaky.

lol.

I'm not sure how much I'm loving my job. I'm fine once I get there, but the evening shifts ...wow, they are hard for some reason. I don't sit down the whole time I'm there (230pm-1030pm) and it's very tiring. My mind gets tired as well.
But I'm getting through it. I do know one thing for sure, and that's that I will never do more than one shift a week. No way in hell, thank you very much. So when Alira is in school, I'll definitely have to find something else to occupy my time as it won't be spent there.

Of course, I haven't let anyone know this new site. I won't have any readers, but barely had any to begin with so I'm not concerned. This is more for me, and just to record what's happening with that gorgeous girl of mine.

More later, it's 430pm and time to wake someone up from her nap...so she doesn't oversleep and then refuse to sleep for me tonight!

Good to be back. Hidden and...well....hidden.

Going to stop

2007-10-25T15:32:00.000+10:00

I've realized lately that I've nothing interesting to blog about (have I ever before?) and that I'm no longer motivated to keep this going. So, for awhile, I'm going to give it a break. I also want to say a lot of things, yet don't know which (if any) family through facebook.com has found this site and I don't want to piss people off. And then I'm thinking, that if I can't be honest on here, then what's the point? So I might start a new blog, (hidden from family) so I can actually say what I want!

So, on a break until...whenever. :)

Better...

2007-09-30T14:48:00.000+10:00

It's been 3 weeks since my ear drum blew out. And it's better now.

Thank god.

What a time though, trying to get orientated with my new job and not hearing properly. So glad that is all behind me.

Next up, Davids brother, his wife and son arriving from the UK for a week.

It seems like I'm always busy. Am really happy that I'm only working one day a week now, no time for anything else! lol.

And that gorgeous girl up there is the reason why it's all worth it!

POP

2007-09-11T15:34:00.000+10:00

No, I'm not talking about the soft drink, or the weasel.

Talking about my eardrum.

It was a case of a head cold going bad, very bad. I have never felt so much pain. Even labour sort of pales in comparison. Or maybe that is just cause labour was 2.5 years ago and this eardrum thing was only 3 days ago.

I'm deaf now, hope it all heals up soon.
Can I say that I'm officially OVER being sick?

Gainfully employed

2007-09-06T16:14:00.000+10:00

Someone has decided to take a chance on me. Either they are desperate (yes, I think they are a bit, there IS a nursing shortage ya know), or they are crazy. Maybe a bit of both.
I've been out for so long, but they see my potential. Which is a compliment.

I walked in there with a head full of snot (yes we are all sick again, more on that later) and looking like a drowned rat as the rain just hasn't stopped for about 48 hours. But even without talking to me for very long, I was hired immediately. Must have been my stuffy nose and Canadian accent that pushed me over the edge.

I start on Monday, for a week long orientation of day shifts (630am starts, ouch) and an evening shift thrown in there for good measure. And then we'll see how I feel, if I'm ready for this brave new world, or if I want more buddying. :) They are flexible.

My parents have been summoned as babysitters and will need to arrive on Sunday. What would I do without parents that help?

Alira goes back to the dr. tomorrow to get her ear checked, she was diagnosed with her second ever in her life middle ear infection yesterday. It's been a long week.

David and I are sick too, a family that is germy together, stays together.
No one else would have us.

The next new chapter in my life, the one called "Back to being an RN" begins... I'm looking forward to it.

*the money will be nice too!*

No Nerves

2007-08-31T14:38:00.000+10:00

I have an interview on monday. Wait. De ja vu...haha.

It's true though. The last interview went well, and I think I would have gotten the job..but then I was told it was an 8 week training period of 5 days a week starting at 6am each day. My poor mother would have had to come and babysit for that whole stint as David couldn't get leave. Was a bit much to ask. And then, after all that training and drama and early mornings, I would only have been paid $15/hour plus be on call at night once a week as well. Ummm. No thanks. I'm like a supermodel and don't like getting out of bed for minimal money.

Anyway, new place, new job, better money. They seem supportive in the fact that I've been out of work for so long and want me to be buddied for awhile until I am comfy and familiar. Sounds good to me.
:)

Will keep you posted.

Nerves

2007-08-23T19:55:00.000+10:00

I have a job interview on Monday. Hmmm...

After I confirmed it with the woman, I got this shaky awful feeling in the pit of my stomach. Because it's been close to 5 years! (OMFGWTF! FIVE!) since I have done any real paid work. That is a long time to be out of commission and a long time spent lounging around being a housewife (a damn good one though, I taught myself to cook like there is no tomorrow) and a mom (a decent mom, I wouldn't say I was amazing, I have work to do there, but I guess who doesn't?). I think it's strange when people hear I haven't worked for 5 years and see that I have only have a 2.5 year old. I guess it's because they don't know the whole story about being bullied in my last job and quitting (instead of fighting it, which I should have, but hey hindsight and all that) and then being so stressed and ill that I needed time to recoup and get my mojo back, and then having fertility probs and THEN living in a rural town and not being able to find anything decent in terms of a job during that time..Now we live in another area so there are more opportunities. I hope. So, no, I don't generally tell people all that crap when they see my kid is only 2.5, yet I haven't been working for 5. But I see them raise an eyebrow and wonder "so, what have you been doing then?".

So, with this job interview, what should I say? I'm thinking along the lines of saying that I was travelling...and trying to have a baby and leaving it at that.

I really do want this job, it's after hours and weekend work and would be PERFECT for me as Alira wouldn't need daycare. And I won't lie, the money will be nice too. I don't want to get my hopes up though, it's been too long between drinks for me to actually think I'm going to get this. A million others are going for it, with more experience and without being so long out of the workforce.
But hey, I'll give it a shot. It certainly can't hurt.

If I get this, (big huge massive IF) I am going to be so scared about being out there again, and that will be fodder for quite a few blog entries in the future I'm sure.
I've gotten too comfortable in my role as wife/mom and with being home when I want to be and planning my days and weekends how I want. How weird would it be to actually need to be on time somewhere and be accountable and responsible again? I feel like I've been playing games the last 5 years. Now it's time to try to be an adult again.

Another topic: I read an interesting thing today.
http://www.kindredmedia.com.au/library_page1/who_cares_making_informed_choices_about_childcare/96/1

Best Friends

2007-08-20T16:04:00.001+10:00

After a week apart, David and Alira had a lovely time throwing rocks in the ocean. I was there to take pics. :)

Happy days.

You CAN hear me!

2007-08-16T15:15:00.000+10:00

Alira's ear check was today. The little bugger can hear me. ;)
Her tube is unblocked. There is a bit of residual fluid, but nothing to block her ear so he's not concerned and that will just clear in time.

So, how come she keeps ignoring me when I'm trying to get her to do something?

When horses go bad

2007-08-10T15:28:00.000+10:00

The other day a group of us took our kids for pony rides. Yes yes, I know, I'm supposed to be avoiding people. Well, everyone was healthy and it was minimal contact as the kids were on horses and up high. And it wasn't a huge group. ;)

It went ok, except for the stupid woman running the place not showing up for about an hour. And then she just saddled these ponies up and had us led them around with our kids on them..by ourselves, through the bush. These ponies didn't know us from Larry. And who's Larry anyway?

They were hungry and peeved.

The girls had fun, they are 2.5 years old, they don't realize the ponies aren't happy.
Until one little girl got bit and that was so traumatic (the pony wouldn't let go, she was thrown to the ground and injury was bad-she was screaming her little heart out and I don't blame her) that I needed a yoga class that night to try to calm down.

Pony riding session was then over, (the woman that owned the place had taken off so we couldn't even complain about what happened) I went home absolutely shattered and vowed to not encourage a love of horses for my child.

Flu.

2007-08-10T15:20:00.000+10:00

Another poor soul died the other day:
http://www.news.com.au/couriermail/story/0,23739,22218654-3102,00.html

He left 3 beautiful girls and a wife. I can't believe this! 5 people now, 4 kids and that poor man. What is going on? Is this just a little taste of what bird flu is going to be like? Of course, bird flu is going to be 1000 times worse.

I have been so diligent. Keeping us away from people and at home when I am going nuts and tearing my hair out trying to come up with activities for Alira. When all I really want to do is curl up on the couch and read.

Today we went for a long walk, fed the ducks at the local pond. Picked up a HUGE garbage bag full of trash while we were on the walk (I hate people that litter and pick it all up when I can while I'm out walking) and found a cute Dora ball for Alira in the midst of the trash. I disinfected it, washed it and now she's got a new toy. This trash thing has been profitable, last week I found her a cute little kids watch, which worked! I sound like I live in a local dump, as I scour for treasures, but I really don't..it's actually a family friendly suburb in Queensland. Is it just me or do Aussies litter a lot? Maybe it's just cause I'm older and notice this stuff more and it bothers me more?
Regardless, I get a bag full of trash each time I walk so that's gotta be a good thing. Alira sits in her stroller and points it all out to me so she's got a job as well.

Anyway, the point of my story is I'm doing all these things with her alone, avoiding our friends. And it's tough! We had a picnic lunch outside today, just for something different. We had all her stuffed friends (Kevin, Kangaroo and Kitten) join us and we nibbled and pretended we were at the beach. Hey, it's SOMETHING to do ok! I'm dying for time to pass!

After all my precautions (I love that antiseptic gel and use that when we are out) Alira woke up with a runny nose today. And I'm ready to scream! So did all my "stay away from sick people" make a difference? I will let you know in a day or so, when either her runny nose is just a simple head cold, or turns into something nasty. And please, don't let me get it...:(

A huge pet peeve of mine

2007-08-09T19:47:00.000+10:00

That says it all I think. Damn, I hate those flowers on cars.

The origin of my grey hair!

2007-08-05T18:19:00.000+10:00

On Friday after Alira's nap, I realized why I have grey hair now. It's just a few strands (but it's still enough to bug me, thank god for highlights and foils!) and the first appeared on my 30th birthday. I know the answer of thy it is here. It's all because of her!

So, this normal Friday afternoon I went upstairs to get Alira after she woke up happily and called me "Mom, I'm up!"so upstairs I went. I got up there and she starts screaming and yowling and thrashing and is inconsolable. Like in a scary possessed by the devil kind of upset. I'm thinking ok....what's the problem? Is it her ears (I am now majorly ear paranoid), her stomach, her appendix bursting? Yes, it was THAT bad I'm thinking super human major pain issues. I managed to get her out of bed, this writhing screaming child and I start wondering if it's quicker to get her to the dr. myself or should I call an ambulance? I get her downstairs on the couch and all of a sudden, David comes in the door, home an hour early from work. Alira stops crying, screaming and writhing and pops her head around my shoulder to say "Hi dad! You have a present?".
And that's the end of that.

I, on the other hand, had to go lie down and needed a drink. Dammit all to hell, I no longer have anything strong in the house to take the edge off as I needed it, and I needed it bad after that.
It took me about 30 mins. to calm down from the adrenaline.

Kids...they will kill you..

Superhuman

2007-07-31T15:51:00.000+10:00

We survived a weekend in hell. Ok, it wasn't hell. But it was cold. And instead of a hot hell, my idea of hell is cold. Sounds strange considering I'm from the land of -20 below 0 and that is a normal winter day. What is it with COLD australian places though? Just seems so much worse. Maybe it's the fact that the houses (at least in Queensland) have no central heating, no double glazed windows, no insulation. Yes, that must be it. Hmm....My MIL also likes to keep windows open so you get a breeze which is like ice coming down the hallway from the bathroom in the middle of the night. Brrrrr!

Alira never sleeps well at Davids' parents place. I don't know why, she just doesn't. She's got her Kevin, her pillow, her sleeping bag and portacot, but honestly, it just doesn't cut it. Around 1am she woke up really upset and wanting "Kitty!!!!!", who unfortunately happened to be in the car, in the freezing cold. *this is not a real cat, but a stuffed animal*.Well, I wasn't going to attempt the search and rescue so got David up to do it. Hey it's his parents place, it's his job as far as I'm concerned.

Finally we managed to get back to sleep, after Alira got into bed with me (David was wrestling with a shitty futon mattress in another room at this stage and his back is still messed up) and after listening to her snoring, her elbows poking me and her being a wiggle worm, I put her back in the cot.

Damn, the 24 hours there were so tiring. I still haven't recovered.

Worries

2007-07-20T15:18:00.000+10:00

From the moment of conception, I think my worries started. No, I lie. From the moment I thought about getting pregnant, I worried.

"How long will it take, will I be able to get pregnant, will it all work out how I want?"

Then I had 2 miscarriages, and worried more.

Then I got pregnant a 3rd time and worried even before I peed on a stick.

Then those 2 lines came up and holy cow the worries started...as I had been there 2 times before and they didn't last. So I worried to my dr, and worried through multiple tests on my progesterone level (which was falling) and then worried when I had to take supplements to try to keep this pregnancy from failing like the other 2 did.

For 9 months I tried to enjoy the pregnancy, but worried most of the time inbetween the enjoyable moments. My OB wasn't really into prenatal testing so no, I didn't have the nuchal translucency u/s or the blood work. She didn't test me for the StrepB or do the glucose test. She was very nonchalant and easy going and used to say "I don't look for problems, you are young and healthy", I don't know if her attitude suited me because of the type of person I am. Which is, yes, a worrier. You get the picture.

Then Alira's birth, and wow, what a worry that was. She almost didn't make it and needed forceps. To this day, David still can't think about it as it is too upsetting for him to recall the vision of Alira being wrenched out of me. Hmmm...yeah that's a bit of a worry.

For a day after I had her, I had minimal worry...as I knew she was healthy, didn't have Downs, Trisomy anything, heart pumping, lungs breathing and was "so far, so good".

But then the worries started again.

With feeding, with pooping..with crying...worry worry worry.

And pretty much since then, I have alternated worrying moments with joy.

And now I'm worrying again.

Alira's ear infection has cleared up, BUT she still has fluid behind the eardrum apparently. I have to give her a decongestant for 4 days to see if that clears. Then the dr. rechecks her in a month. Right now, her ear is blocked, she's not happy about it. It could remain like that for 3 months. It could affect her speech (which isn't shit hot to begin with), could, long term, affect her hearing, it COULD mean needing surgery to put a tube in. FFS, all this due to ONE ear infection! As a kid, I had about 50 ear infections, without a drama. But my poor little girl, sigh. Nothing is simple.

The woman who was sitting beside me at the chemist while I was getting her antibiotics last week started talking to me. You know the type, friendly, curious, wanting conversation. I had a sick child on my lap falling asleep on me, but she wanted to chat.
Conversation went like this :
Her : "what's wrong with your little girl".
Me: " oh she's got her first ear infection".
Her: "oh that's too bad, those are painful, my son had a lot of them growing up."
Me:" Yeah I did as a kid too, luckily I outgrew it"
Her:" here is my boy now, (he looked about 14), he's now deaf because of those ear infections".
I slowly glance over to this poor kid wearing huge hearing aids and then start to silently freak out.
Her: "Make sure you get the antibiotic without the colouring in it as it always made my son very moody".
Me :" thanks for the tip, bye now".

Sigh. Why do I have to hear these worst case scenerios?

And so, here I am, hoping and praying this fluid clears out and I'm sitting in my worry chair again. Back and forth, back and forth and getting absolutely nowhere.

Poor baby

2007-07-12T15:43:00.001+10:00

This never happens. You can tell she's sick when she lies still on the couch.

I hope the strawberry puke comes out of the backseat of my car ok.

Sigh.

Aloha

2007-07-10T15:46:00.000+10:00

I'm gearing up for something huge. Leaving my child for a week (give or take a few extra days). How am I going to be able to do this? I'm freaking out just thinking about it. My darling without me?? Gah. Can hardly bear to imagine.

This will happen soon, not going to say exactly when as I'm not sure.

Hawaii beckons. http://www.exclusiveresorts.com/#Kohala_Coast_Big_Island_HI

30 months

2007-07-07T15:18:00.000+10:00

Alira, you are now 30 months old. Time has flown, I swear, I say that with pretty much every blog entry.

You are the epitome of "little girl" and no longer my baby. *ok ok, I won't mention the diaper thing, we will just ignore that until later, deal?**

I am just in love with you Alira. Your new thing is (happily) a good one. After your bath every night, I wrap you in a towel and while I'm sitting on your little stepstool drying you off, you reach your arms around me, (as I am finally your height when I'm sitting down) give me a real proper hug and say "I love you too". It's so cute, as usually I say "I love you" first and then you reply with "I love you too", but for some reason, you don't need that prompting now...and simply say your part without me saying the first bit. I think maybe you realize that I love you, without me having to say it first...and you know that I'm thinking it, all the time, 24 hours a day. Yes, I love you.

You pat my face and look right into my eyes and sometimes I can't help but blink back tears as you are just so wonderful and wow, I am just so lucky.

Your little person is shining through. I sneeze and you yell out "Bless you Mom!". I am on the computer and you say "Mom, what are you doing?", and it's like, finally, you listen to the answers I'm giving you and really understand. Of course, your more frequent request is "Let's play toys". I pretend not to understand YOU now sometimes. haha.

And so, you may be pushing my buttons by mixing all your colours up on purpose (is it on purpose or are you just forgetful and only remember the colour pink?) and you may still not be interested all that much in the potty (sigh) but that hug and "I love you too" is more than enough for me to keep me going. On June 19th, you hit the 30 month mark and I am wanting time to slow down, because I am missing you already, the little you who curls up with Kevin the bear and will read a book with me now while we lie in bed under our purple blanket. Stay like this forever please?...

Bored anyone? With a dollop of time on the side?

2007-06-30T14:07:00.000+10:00

Good lord. It's that time of year. The year when everyone is either sick, just getting over a cold, or just coming down with one. Each day I don't know what we're going to be...either one of those 3 above choices.
And the fact is, that everyone else is dealing with it too. So I never know if Alira and I are going to be bored at home alone, or be able to see our friends or have to avoid everyone and lock upselves up in a room. It's so frustrating. Is it just me, or has this been the worst cold season ever?

On Friday I was supposed to go over to my friends place, for a big girly meet-up where all our kids can play and the morning of the get together I get the dreaded text from her ... "J has come down with a snotty nose and a cold, so looks like today is off". And then I'm thinking "SHIT! What are we going to do now!" and my second thought is "Great, we just saw J yesterday, so that means WE are going to get this". And like the sun sets in the west, yes, Alira did get a running snotty nose with sneezing 24 hours later and that is what we are dealing with now. It's more predictable than Saturday morning cartoon plots.

What's funny (not funny ha ha, but funny weird) is that both Alira and I have had a cough for 2 weeks, maybe even 3 weeks now, I'm starting to lose track. Although she is worse than I am. Other than a cough (that usually happens between 3-5am) she is fine and doesn't cough any other times really, so I went to the chemist for some nighttime cough mixture...and would you believe she didn't cough last night? Until this snot arrived courtesy of her friend poor little J, which is now a bonus. So, I don't know, does Alira have 2 colds rolled into one? Or a cough with an extra helping of snot on the side?

It's just ridiculous.

Now the bets are on, as to when I'll get it....again... As I always get whatever cold Alira has. No matter what I do. I'm now on a major regimen of "be healthy" tea, multivitamins, berrocca, green tea and any other immune booster I can think of. My life goes to hell when I get sick. I'm not a great patient, all I want is bed and that just isn't possible with a 2.5 year old around, when I am sick I pray for a coma so I can just sleep.

So, the eternal question, what will tomorrow bring? Who will be sick next?

I'm going to try to escape to the gym in the morning while David can watch Alira so I can get some 'Me Time'. (and yes that deserves a capital M and capital T). Never before have I liked working out, in fact, I have avoided it my whole life until a few weeks ago... but once I realized "OMG, I can work out ALONE", it all of a sudden has gotten a heck of a lot more fun. I can watch TV on a treadmill too, anything I damn well please, and it's not Wiggles or Hi-5! Such a new novel experience being able to just watch cool tv on my own.
It feels so self-righteous too, I can say to David "hey you have to watch her, I need to get to the gym for my health, fitness and emotional well-being", which sounds a bit better than "I NEED to hit the Myer sale to spend your money". What I don't mention, is that I might hit Myer afterwards...

Walk with the Animals

2007-06-26T18:37:00.000+10:00

We are loving our yearly passes to Australia Zoo. We are practically living there.

Oh yeah

2007-06-12T14:45:00.000+10:00

I just remembered something. Happy 8th wedding anniversary to me!

Shows how important David and I are finding it, as he is out of town with work and I'm sick with a head cold and a snotty toddler who is also sick.

Let's celebrate!
lol.

No fury

2007-06-12T14:40:00.000+10:00

Hell hath no fury, like a toddler scorned. About what you are asking?
About f'ing penguins!

I had no idea the penguin exhibit was still closed.

Let's just say, Alira was not happy!

We survived none the less. And dolphins and a polar bear had to make up for it.

Weekend holiday

2007-06-09T18:09:00.000+10:00

So what do you give the girl who has everything and is infatuated with penguins?

SEAWORLD!

Be back later to let you know how it went.

Why oh Why!?

2007-05-26T16:32:00.000+10:00

I got a text this morning. A belated birthday text from my ex-friend. WHY OH WHY doesn't she get the hint!

I don't want to be hurt anymore by you, so just umm....go your own way and leave me to mine?

I haven't seen her since January, so almost 6 months! Contact has been me ignoring phone messages and 1 blunt email.
Umm...hello?

What else is it going to take? I don't want to confront, as I don't want a big 'she said, she said' fight. So will continue to hide and hope it all goes away.

GO away!

Happy birthday (to me)!

2007-05-25T16:04:00.000+10:00

This morning was like any other. I woke up to the tune of Alira -"old macdonald had a farm, moo moo moo moo", it was gorgeous and cute, but at 6:50am on a cold dark rainy morning, it would have been cuter around 8 o'clock.

David attempted to get up, but I was up anyway after all that messing around and Australian Idol auditioning in the next bedroom over. So we both got up at 730am to get Alira ready for breakfast.
At least, for once, I didn't have to make her porridge. It's the only thing she will eat, other than pancakes, for breakfast. And man, I do get sick of making that stuff every single flipping day.

At around 10am, David was entertaining her in the media room. With spinning, on the swivel office chair.She was having a BLAST! Wooooo! Weeeeee!!" MORE Daddy! SPIN MORE!".
Until, all of a sudden, PUKE. Everywhere. David screamed like a girl and I came running. He was covered in half digested porridge, Alira was crying and heaving as I'm sure throwing up that amount of porridge from the depths of her intestine wouldn't have been a fun thing at all.

I smirked with a little " I told you so"...as I have always told him not to spin her, throw her, tickle her upside down after a meal or else. Well, she proved me right.

All 3 of us then bundled into the shower as I also got a bit covered due to Alira freaking out and wanting only me and clinging to me, porridge bits and all.

I spent the next half hour cleaning and hosing the office chair, all of our clothes (putting all that in the washing machine after getting all the gunk off) and sponging off the rug with soap and water, oh yes, plus poor Kevin the bear which had a puke covered ear. While I'm doing all this, I'm thinking "let's party like it's my birthday!".

Ok, 30 mins. later, Alira is calm and "mommy, I'm hungry"...yes I bet you are darling. So she's eating a banana, David is still trying not to dry retch at the thought of the drama (he doesn't do well with puke, his own or anyone elses) and I get an email about the job I applied for and secretly, desperately really REALLY wanted.
"Sorry Loser you were unsuccessful". Pretty much that's what it said.
No reason why, just .....SUCKER!

Oh yeah, let's party like it's my birthday alright!

Happy times and now I'm 31.
It can only improve right?

My diva

2007-05-24T15:07:00.000+10:00

Alira has a cute lopsided ponytail in her hair. Yes I put her hair up even though she doesn't really have the amount to warrant it. But I figure she won't let me do that for long, so might as well when I can right?

She (of her own volition!) makes a microphone out of 2 lego pieces and will glide around the living room, regaling us with the old time hits of "I've been working on the railroad", "teddy bears picnic" and for an encore "the wheels on the bus".

She really does hold those blocks to her mouth and whispers in the mic at times, other times belts out the tunes. It's really priceless. Which reminds me, the next time Miss Diva Thang performs, I must get it on video. Like all things TODDLER, she will get a new trick soon enough and this one will disappear in the blink of an eye.

2.2 kg

2007-05-22T15:40:00.000+10:00

My friend Olivia had her second little girl 2 weeks ago. The beautiful little munchkin is a tiny one, only 2.2 kg of gorgeous baby-ness.
I held her today, she felt as light as a doll, and basically smaller than one as well! Alira 6lbs 9oz when she was born, so a bit bigger than that, but still...pretty tiny! It was so strange holding a baby again, felt foreign but not. If that makes sense. I guess because Alira is such a huge toddling lump that it felt so strange. haha.

We are going on our first official family weekend getaway soon. I'm looking forward to it, although a 2.5 year old in a hotel room with us, when she is trying to sleep and we have to talk in whispers the whole night will be an interesting experience. If it works out well, then I can convince David that we can handle a trip to Melbourne soon. Fingers crossed! As I miss my true city, and I want to walk Lygon street for some yummy food and Chapel street for the shopping. This is all "B.A" (Before Alira) so I'm thinking our next Melbourne experience will consist of the Zoo and parks.
Ah well, still great food to eat.

She will be up soon...and then will be play 'pretend' where she will carry her fake briefcase and pretend to go to work and then get home and make dinner for Mr.Potatohead. Such a fun age right now!

29 months old

2007-05-20T16:26:00.000+10:00

Alira is almost out of the 20's. Wow, imagine saying that for real!

I look at her and I ALMOST want another one, like I could ALMOST be convinced to go back for Round 2. To go back to 'hmm...will this one miscarry or not? Let's wait and see yippee!" and "this isn't morning sickness, it's all day sickness" and "I am so tired I could literally fall asleep here on this tile floor, naked, covered in chili sauce". But then I realize that I will never get another HER anyway, and that I would have to drug David, tie him down and force him to impregnate me and that will never happen. As he's pretty comfortable right now (aside from a 2.5 year old puking on his favourite shirt today but that is another issue) being a Dad of One. One gorgeous, energetic, tireless (did I mention energetic?) bouncing toddler. I think another would kill us both.

People say we are selfish for not breeding again. To those people I say "pfffttt, I'm helping to save the planet by not overpopulating!"

And to quote Only Child magazine: http://www.onlychild.com/aboutus/letter.html
Robert Engleman, vice-president for research at Population Action International, is concerned. "What really isn't clear," he states, "is whether governments will continue to make the progress they have made in providing reproductive care. If they don't, fertility decline could be stalled." According to Carl Pope, executive director of the Sierra Club, population is the cause of most of our problems: urban air pollution, global warming, species extinction, rain forest destruction, and depleted drinking water. And we won't even discuss road rage.Here's a toast to only children and only child families. Whether you know it or not, you are an important force in helping our planet survive."

Anyway, who knows. Ask me in another year if I still think this...or if I'm hit with a baby craving so bad that David is tied up and convinced....

So weird

2007-05-20T16:09:00.000+10:00

Ok so who is following "The Secret" craze? I find it all a bit, erm...basic I suppose.
I don't know, can you really put a thought out there and just have it happen? Who knows.

I would like the QML job I applied for but it doesn't seem to be happening. I must not be following the rules correctly.

In the past 2 days I've had 2 people contact me who I have stopped contacting. Wish they would just leave me alone! Don't they get it!? Emailed them both so we'll see what happens now. In the spirit of honesty, I was honest with one of them at least.

I told my one SIL that I don't buy presents for my niece and nephews (kids of the other SIL)anymore and the reason why, I can just see the shit hitting the fan with that one. So sick of game playing though and am just trying to say it how it is this year instead of always being the good girl and saying "the right thing" instead. Plus I'm at the point in my marriage (8 years next month) that I don't need to impress these people anymore and I really don't care.
haha.

Today we went to the local food and wine festival. Which was the biggest rip-off EVER. We dropped about $80 in a hour and Alira puked all over David when she tasted a brownie she didn't like. Sooooo...that ended our little family outing quick smart.

Oh yes, and the band was great the other night, even better was getting to know my new friend A, who I have been wanting to get to know since meeting her at playgroup. We had a fun time. :)

And so ends another weekend....My birthday is coming up, but I don't want to be reminded. Mother's Day was a bit of a flop so hoping David can make it up to me with my birthday. Hope springs eternal.

Chocolate cake

2007-05-17T14:47:00.000+10:00

A friend invited me out to see http://www.myspace.com/officialmftcc in concert.

Will let you know how it was!

4 months and 2 days

2007-05-09T14:03:00.000+10:00

I'm really happy to have gotten to the 4 month mark. 4 months of what?
Of not speaking to my ex-friend who hurt me so badly.

Usually I'm the type to follow things up, to always ALWAYS respond and write back, to return phone calls and emails WITHOUT fail.
But the new me has become more discerning. And to deal with the ex-friend situation meant to NOT deal with it at all. And I have learned that not dealing, is, in a sense, dealing with it anyway.
She gets it, without me having to say one word because what I'm doing is out of character and now the emails have stopped from her and I am 'hoping' she is content to just keep on walking if we happen to run into each other. Which is bound to happen as we don't live in a huge city and probably frequent the same malls and areas.

People have noticed I'm happier, more chatty and less submissive. David has noticed a difference for sure. It has been so worth it. A bit of heartache and hurt feelings yes, but I am much better for it now.

On a potty note: Alira initiated sitting on her potty to do a pee! Champers all round!

I'm turning into my grandmother

2007-05-08T15:43:00.000+10:00

It's scary isn't it? One day we wake up and realize that we have turned into our mothers or grandmothers.

I've sort of always known that I carried along those obsessive traits, and need for order and calm and routine...but this past weekend really highlighted it to me.

I woke up on Saturday wondering what happened to Alira's plate..see above pic. And thought that I hadn't seen it since I got back from my visit to my parents. I spent almost 30 minutes tearing apart my kitchen looking for it. Where does a plate disappear to?

I woke David up, he had no idea of course, but I wasn't sure if I believed him as he's the type to enjoy that kind of joke.

A day later, and it appears, sitting there in the cupboard, in the open, with no plates on top of it, and I just about went nuts. It was occupying my mind for over 24 hours, like does a plate just walk away? Get stolen? I couldn't understand it! And then it reappeared. I'm happy now, but still slightly confused. David was as freaked out as I was.

Earlier in the week I learned that an office mate of Davids' left some clothes for Alira at another office building. This was before Easter! I figured they would have been lost or taken out of the office by now...and this was at the back of my mind FOR DAYS. I hate when things aren't right...and it was really bothering me. Today, someone (?) dropped off the box of clothes into Davids' office and I went and got them...phew! But wow, that really bothered me more than it should have.
Things not being in their place, things left undone, things with no explanation..

Stuff that probably wouldn't have bothered me to this extent when I was in my teens...and early 20's, but now...yes, I AM turning into my mother and grandmother.

So it's kinda scary...

And man oh man, I'm thankful that plate showed up again...it is her first ceramic set that my aunt got her after she was born so really is special.

I won't even get into how I don't like driving at night now or even going out after dark. I've turned into an old biddy before my time!

Back to reality

2007-04-26T14:37:00.000+10:00

Isn't that a line from one of Eminems' songs? Yep, I think so!

I've had a really relaxing wonderful trip up north. 2.5 weeks of no cooking and minimal cleaning (I would clean up a few nights a week after dinner) and my parents just had a ball with Alira. Ask me 12 years ago if I would be able to spend all that time in one shot with my parents, and I probably would have laughed outloud. But amazingly, I like them and their company. lol. We are a tightknit little group the 3 of us. Well, adding Alira in, there is now 4.
Poor David doesn't really get included (that is his own choice) as he can't handle the closeness and the long chats in the living room and just 'knowing' each other. His family don't know each other really, I find it quite strange but hey, to each their own.

Alira has grown in leaps and bounds, I think she's put on 1/2 a kg while away too, which is a lot for a string bean like her...who doesn't eat much of substance at all really. A new environment must have helped and new people to take food from. Her vocab is exploding and she's learning things from the world...and not just from me. She now puts her thumb up and says "Cool!"...who does that? Not me!She picked it up from somewhere and it's so cute. She can always put 2 fingers up when someone asks her age. Or when I tell her to make the peace sign. I'm turning her into a hippy already.

This still is the year of changes for me though. A huge part of my life is Essential Baby online forums, but after this holiday, I've decided to really cut back from that. I do have a slight addictive personality at times and I noticed that I would always be wandering by the computer and checking out posts or what was happening on the thread, and then I was realizing that Alira would be playing by herself while I was on this parenting forum, quite ironic considering I wasn't parenting her at the time. It sneaks up on you, how dependant you become on your online friends and then it hits you...it's ridiculous the amount of time you can simply waste away on there. And for what?
So that's the end of that for awhile I think.

A few rogue emails from my ex-friend as well lately, which I have deleted. I could write back and ask her why she's interested in talking to a 'high maintanence only child" but what would be the point? Silence speaks volumes in situations like that. I'm still so utterly insulted that I really can't trust myself communicating with her again.

And so, that's that. Alira is sleeping, I have dishes to do and a forum to avoid...so the computer is going off...right now... yep...NOW!

Happy Easter!

2007-04-04T15:19:00.000+10:00

Another Easter is upon us. And I think this year, Alira has finally figured out what chocolate is. She is the type of kid to eat around the chips in chocolate chip cookies and to avoid the chocolate in banana chocolate muffins. But today at Playgroup she spied a chocolate egg (in the easter egg hunt) and I unwrapped it for her, warning she that she probably won't like it. Well, that sealed it because of Mom says she won't like it, she will damn well make sure she does. Better make sure to keep the chocolate to a minimum this year or else she will be bouncing off the walls.

Going to take this time to say byebye as well, I'm leaving for a lovely 2 week (give or take) break and won't be blogging or posting or anything for awhile. Not that anyone is reading of course.

So happy easter everyone, and I'll be back...umm..when I'm back.

The end of March

2007-03-30T15:13:00.000+10:00

March is coming to an end..It's been a fairly good start to the year I think!
I'm happier, seem to be healthier (Alira hasn't been sick since xmas, knock on wood!) and making new friends.

So,when is the other shoe going to drop?? Something ALWAYS happens when things are going well.

A sudden influx of inlaws, or toxic people reappearing maybe?
Or my mother getting ill?
Or my plane crashing while I go to visit my parents? No, can't think like that, I hate flying enough as it is!

Cute Alira note: She calls eyebrows....EYES BROWS! I love it. And she points to them so proud.

My life is ticking along...sorry this is so boring. But no one is really reading anyway are they? I have found this new google blog very frustrating. I have been trying to leave a comment on "musings" blog for days but it won't let me .... grrr...

Separate Easter

2007-03-14T14:44:00.000+10:00

Ok is this weird? David and I do things separately. In terms of each other's families. For instance, he will be seeing his over Easter and I will be seeing mine with Alira. Is this strange? It's just that after almost 8 years of marriage, we have finally reached the point of just letting each other do what they want. And that means me not wanting to drag Alira down there and to deal with miss feral for the weekend. It's just so much easier (and more fun) this way.

Does anyone else have separate visits to inlaws???

Nothing else new here. Alira has been beautiful and wonderful and amazing as per usual. lol.

Sheesh...google!

2007-03-08T15:32:00.000+10:00

Unreal! Took me ages to get this stupid google account thing contected to this blogger thing. Sorry I haven't written in so long, it really wasn't my fault!

Alira had her first haircut today. I was expecting an eruption like Pompeii when I attempted to get this done, but she is so unpredictable...she sat there just like a perfect little adult with her cape on and watched herself in the mirror! Just so quietly and still. I was in shock and kept looking around thinking "am I in a twilight zone of some sort"???!?!? The hairdresser was saying how perfect she was. I just kept saying "umm...I can't believe this!".
Some things set her off that I would never expect, and then other things that I would expect to cause a problem, she waltzes through them like a piece of cake. This girl has had me guessing since she was 2 minutes old. Don't even get me thinking about what she will be like as a teenager!

No pics of the new haircut as it doesn't really look any different, just a bit trimmed and more even. So proud of my big girl though. As a reward she got a 'first haircut' certificate and a ride on a shopping mall rocket ship kiddy ride. I hate those things, but hey, she deserved it.

I am sick of getting spam comments on this blog too. What is this? A dumping ground for advertising Mozilla? Give me a break.

A slap in the face

2007-02-24T15:41:00.000+10:00

Well it's all finally fallen apart. My closest friend in this country was backstabbing me to someone else. She didn't realize the someone else chats to me though so of course, I got it all back.

It's a bit shocking...as I'm happy to simply walk away calmly from her and not make a big deal. But she is going out of her way to try to get others to not want to be my friend either.

Apparently I am high maintenance. Hmm...
Ah well, I don't think I am. And she certainly showed her true colours. So happy this toxic person is out of my life now.

Onward and upward!

Will it ever stop?

2007-02-21T15:49:00.000+10:00

Raining that is...

This is now heading into Week 2 of rain. Yes I understand, Australia is in a drought. The stupid premier of Queensland would like to divert the whole river system up north to bring water down south. Yeah ok, and that is fan-bloody-tastic for the environment you asswipe.
Anyway, our dams here are overflowing (1 hour south they are only at 20% but whatever) and we have 10 years of rainwater going down the drains into the ocean. Or so the paper says. Harvest that stuff you stupid premier! Would be a lot easier than diverting whole river systems!

Ok, off of that rant.

Today was supposed to be our playgroups beach day. But we were blown off the beach and swept away so it didn't work out so well. I'm a bad mother and didn't bring Alira's whole closet of clothes on the outing so she was shivering in a boys huge windbreaker and jeans. After a glass of water was spilled (the wind blew it over) all over the both of us, we called it officially over and went over to a friends' place instead.

All in all, a good day. But it's wet, damn it's wet. It literally hasn't stopped. We can go for 2 months with nothing and now it's a monsoon.

Rain rain, go to where you are needed....my yard is flooded enough thanks.

Isn't it funny....

2007-02-15T14:44:00.000+10:00

Things are all connected, it's like a domino effect. You knock over one tile and whole rows collapse, just from one little change.
Sort of like how things are going right now for me.

I change one little thing...and wow. Such a difference. Maybe it's because my head space is better, because I'm more motivated now, because I want healthy friendships? I don't know exactly but things are happening.

The playgroup I talked about in the last entry was amazing. Alira thought she was at DisneyWorld. Which is great, because when I REALLY take her there, she will be double excited. I talked to a lot of the other moms, just went up and did it. (VERY out of character for me)...but wow it felt good. I was doing a George Costanza, doing the opposite of what I usually do. And hey, it worked. I have gotten to know that girl M I was talking about, she doesn't dislike me, just had some bad information. We cleared everything up. Hey, I had some bad information about her so I guess we were even.
Also, during the week I go to a library group with Alira. There I have met another bunch (ohmygod, a real BUNCH! Not just 1 or 2, but a few!) of women and we hang out and chat while the kids play. One of them even called me this morning! This has done wonders for my self esteem as I can see that I'm likeable. I always knew I would be friends with myself, but I never put myself out there properly for others to be friends with me.
At the end of the week I take Alira to kindergym. The moms there are a bit cold, but hey, it's tough to chat while trying to walk your child across a balance beam so I'm not expecting miracles. But it's just good that I'm getting out a lot and fantastic for Alira too.

This New Years Resolution thing is working....too bad I've given up on my yoga this past week due to the heat. heehee.

The new kid

2007-02-06T15:22:00.000+10:00

Tomorrow Alira and I start a new playgroup. This will be interesting. Usually Alira clings to me like a monkey, I am shy so don't really talk to anyone and then we leave early.
But TOMORROW, I want to turn over a new leaf. Because of my new years resolution! To try to meet people and make acquaintances. I don't know about friends....I am not really sure if you can make friends past the age of 20. Lord knows I haven't.
My friends are from grade 8, and they live across the world now so we email. That is who I count as friends.

Anywho, I'm a bit nervous. Possibility of someone being there that knows a mutal someone that I am no longer talking to. This someone that may be there, I don't think likes me much (well she refuses to talk to me at functions when we were there together with our mutual someone, my ex-friend)...so we will see what happens. But I think some shit has been going on, so will go up and talk to her and explain that the mutal someone is out of my life (and was apparently out to get me) and please don't listen to what she has told her.
Sigh, all confusing isn't it?

So, another chapter...for 2007. Please let this be a good playgroup, I am so sick of trying different ones over and over. It can be so tiring.

Outside the box

2007-01-31T16:03:00.000+10:00

I'm scared to step outside my box. My little safe box where I'm home, either by myself (B.A. -before Alira) or with Alira now. Just doing the usual stuff, not being responsible for anything more than making sure the house is clean, clothes are washed and dinner is on the table. My brain is going to mush, but I am comfortable that way.
I'm scared to leave it. Why am I so scared? So scared of failing? What is it? I haven't figured it out yet. I've turned into a squirrel as my father likes to say. Or maybe I've just always been one.

I need to leave my cosy pink pillow-filled box though or else I lose my nursing license. The last time I set foot on a ward was YEARS ago...and after that, I was in a nursing admin job. Admin I can do, code blues and injecting life saving meds during CPR, I cannot do.

I was a great nursing student, I got top marks...but when I was thrown out there, I got scared of the responsibility, the "what if" I do something wrong. Looking back, I should have listened to my mother and became a librarian. That would have been right for me. You know what they say.."your mother knows you the best"..But I was a petulant teen that always had to go opposite. So I thought "hey, no one has never done anything medical in my family, let's try nursing"...and my flabbergasted parents just went along with it. I could not be convinced otherwise. My marks were brilliant so I thought I made the right choice. But no....
I made a wrong choice and YES mom you were right.

I love libraries *whacks forehead with palm*. I should have done that. WTF was I thinking!?!?

ANYWAY...what is done is done. I don't want to lose my license as I figure my parents paid about $10k for me to get it after 3.5 years of schooling..but what am I going to do? I want to use my medical knowledge but not with SICK people. So nursing admin is the way to go, or clinics and working for a kindly gentleman doctor who is sweet and doesn't like to rush...
So hard to get jobs like that! As all the nurses in the world never want to leave them once they get them. I bet only 1 out of 10 nurses like ward work...and that's all that's out there.
I feel like if I'm not a nurse, what am I? Everyone and their dog can be a mother, and it is such a thankless job, I put meaning on it, but no one else does. Why? And why do I feel like if I don't DO something else, that I'm nothing?

Research..that's where I need to be...(charts, pushing paper and solving problems with ink...rather than a crash cart) And I have a line on something that might help me get there.
Stay tuned.

In the meantime I will cherish my 'kept woman' status a bit longer and just try not to stress. Enjoy the toddler days of boredom (yes, it does get long sometimes reading the same books, kneading the same playdough and dressing the same dolls)...but you know what? That's ok because no one is dying on me and yelling STAT and to get the Epinephrine.

Bliss.

And because I like spamming with pics

2007-01-23T15:29:00.000+10:00

Full Circle

2007-01-23T15:21:00.000+10:00

Continuing on with my resolution to separate from people that make me feel bad, I ran into someone today that further solidified that choice I'm making concerning someone. Whoa, how cryptic is that? haha.

Who knows who is reading so I can't say too much, but wow, this was an enlightening conversation. 1.5 hours spent finding out that no, this person doesn't hate me, although I was told by a 3rd party that she did. And no, this person didn't want to be left out of gatherings and get togethers, even though the 3rd party said she did.
And the funny thing? This person was told the same stuff by the 3rd party about me! So amazing the manipulation that goes on behind the scenes that I just blindly believed because why would a friend lie to me eh?
Hmm..indeed.

So now, this person and I have exchanged numbers, and she does like me! And we are going to try to get together...and I'm wondering if we should start a group for others that have been manipulated and hurt and call it "X's ex-friends Club".

Sigh.

But the main thing this showed me today? Is that I was RIGHT to keep my distance, and no, I'm not a loser and not oversensitive.
....

Ok, maybe I'm a BIT oversensitive....

Faceplant in the dirt

2007-01-18T18:54:00.000+10:00

I like putting a glop of mud and grass on my face once a day...
But wow, feels great afterwards!

To effort or not to effort, that is the question

2007-01-18T15:07:00.000+10:00

My new years resolution (if anyone missed it...or maybe I didn't write it?) is to kick out toxic people in my life.
First to go, a SIL that has hurt me so much through incompetence and stupidity and just plain on "oh I'm sure she didn't mean it" stuff... and the last straw was Alira's birthday party. Goodbye to you. Bam, deleted email address and I haven't heard even a thankyou for all the presents we bought for her kids so that's the last of it and the last time I'm buying anything for that part of the family.
I'm sure I will have to make my appearance and be accounted for at family gatherings, but never again will I put forth effort to have her in my house, host anything with her involved or invite her anywhere. From 2002 until 2004 we went without speaking a word to each other, so it can easily be done, no big loss there.

#2 a friend that also hurt me at the party. Wow, this party was a great day can you tell? So things are backing off there, she also is backing off from her side, so I think she is ready to let it all fall by the wayside anyway. Which is sad, but that is life.

This coming weekend David's sister and her husband are coming to visit. The timing sucks ass to be honest with you as Burning Crusade is out (warcraft fans know what I'm talking about) and now we will be unable to play it because we have to watch The Bachelor instead while holding hands all of us and chatting in a deep and meaningful way about the show. Anyway, don't let anyone tell you I don't make an effort for people after a weekend like that! This SIL is the one that told me I need to look at myself and that I don't make an effort for the family after the whole party disaster. She said this a month before she was due to come here for sun,surf and the beach.Hmm...what is that then huh? Hotel Kyla is still open for business obviously.
Kinda hurt considering I'm the closest to her out of all my inlaws, but that's life. I am just going to be myself as usual, if that gets me into shit and bitched out, what can a girl do?

I am 30 years old, I have tried to change (sort of) and I have realized that I can't. Like me or leave me, I really don't care at this stage in the game. Since moving to this (at times godforsaken) country, I have been without friends, without a huge amount of husband support and I've survived and have been content with myself and with my little life. I'm a big girl, I can take it if people don't understand me.

So goodbye toxic people!!!!...the SIL one will be a bit tricky as we are married to 2 guys who happen to be brothers, but I've done more complicated things before so this will happen. (As a side note: David is on my side with this one as he saw the hurt on my face and my broken soul in my body after that party. So kudos to David for this.)
5 years from now she may say "wow, I haven't heard from Kyla since 2006".....or maybe she won't even notice.
LOL.

Just not fair (aka hugs your babies tight)

2007-01-16T15:05:00.000+10:00

Right now as I type this, my online friend Mickeymouse is at her baby daughter's funeral. If that isn't one of the most wrong things in the universe ever, I don't know what is.
No one should have to go to their child's funeral, that is just not the way it's supposed to go. She said something very sad on the forum yesterday...that she has great-grandparents still alive, yet she lost a 2 month old daughter. Where is the logic in that crap?

So, I feel sad today. Sad because of her loss and emptiness, sad because (let's face it, we always think of ourselves at some stage) hey that could have been me. There is no rhyme nor reason for SIDS, it strikes out at whoever, whenever. That could have been anyone. I had the usual level of fear of SIDS when Alira was a newborn, she slept in our room and I slept in hers probably longer than was necessary, but did that for my own peace of mind. And yes, I still have a baby monitor, even though it's 99% of the time because we are in a 2-storey house and I can't hear her when I'm downstairs. But seriously, if I admit it, that 1% of the time is because I just like to hear that she's breathing. Even at the age of 2.

Makes my little dramas and whinges pale in comparison to this big picture of sadness and grief.

Unsettled

2007-01-12T14:57:00.000+10:00

I have this unsettled feeling lately. I don't know why. Although whenever David says he feels something is wrong with him "hurt toe, sprained ankle, pain in jaw" etc..I get all on edge. I hate worrying. Now it's the jaw pain. Sigh.

Maybe it's the post Xmas and New Years blergh. Just sort of waiting for gymnastics term to start, the new playgroup (playgroup number 4583) that I'm going to try, maybe that has me all feeling kerfluffled.

Went to the beach yesterday, got a sunburned back. Not happy about that as I thought I covered myself with sunscreen pretty well. Obviously I was wrong.

Wish I knew why I feel so up in the air! Hope I get back down to earth soon.

A girl and her mom

2007-01-10T15:21:00.000+10:00

Here's us.

Beautiful girl....

2007-01-08T10:13:00.000+10:00

My 2 year old (wow can't believe she's 2) looking so sweet.

I must remember this when she's throwing an all-out tantrum because we needed to give Kevin a wash.

We're counting in years now, not months

2006-12-26T18:05:00.000+10:00

I've been so messed up after this "Party Disaster" that I haven't even stopped to think about what it's like to have an official 2 year old.
No more am I talking in 'months anymore'...(my 12 month old, my 18 month old etc)..
I am talking in YEARS now baby! Wow! I've graduated! Did I get good grades? Hmmm....

My daughter is like a hurricane. She can be so temperamental, it's unbelievable! She has me guessing at every turn.
In one situation, let's say, leaving the park to go home...she can be wailing like a banshee, kicking and screaming while I try to calmly wrestle her away and wondering why the other mothers don't want to talk to me and why do they hide their faces as they try not to stare at the devil spawn? haha. No wonder I have no friends!
And then a few days later, the same situation...and I'm kicking myself for even attemping it again. I have to leave the park with her. And I'm cowering and getting ready for this battle. I warn her, and say "ok, 2 more slides and then we have to go home"...and I'm thinking OMG, what will she do this time? And after the 2 slides, she puts her sandy sticky little hand in mine and starts to walk with me chatting along and saying "going to A-ra-ra's car" she says.
*She calls herself "A-ra-ra" which is close enough to her name for me to be proud about it*
And I stumble away in a fog, wondering "who's kid is this? And can I keep her?"

Alira, I love how you keep me guessing. Every day is a new adventure. Some good (yay we left a fun thing without a tantry!) and some bad (you don't eat meat for how many days and I am stressing about your protein and iron levels) but we are going through this together. It's the "Mom and A-ra-ra Road Trip" and I'm so blessed to be taking it with you.

It really hits home.

2006-12-24T11:04:00.000+10:00

An online friend of mine *Mickeymouse* has lost her 2 month old baby girl to SIDS on Dec 22nd. This is every mother's worst nightmare and now she has to live it.

I am devastated for her, her husband and her 2 year old son. This puts life into perspective. As we run around with xmas dramas and yes, even my petty inlaw stresses, you just have to stop and think, MY GOD, what am I complaining about?

MM will miss her daughter, every day, for the rest of her life. Now THAT is worth being upset about.

Rest in Peace little Ashleigh.

Define "effort"

2006-12-18T20:19:00.000+10:00

Whoever is reading..is anyone reading? HAHA.
Can you tell me what you define as "effort".

Like when you say "she made an effort". Do you mean physical effort? ie. She cooked and cleaned and opened her home to visitors?
Or do you mean "emotional effort"-she talked and laughed and was genuinely happy at all times during the interaction?

Isn't it funny how I feel I'm making an effort (by doing the tangible stuff) but because my aura or attitude isn't 100% joyous at all times, I am classed as making no effort..so my effort is effectively canceled out.

Hmm...food for thought.

As a side note: when my effort isn't classed as effort by others, wouldn't it be better to do absolutely nothing for people and get the same end result, which is people think I'm a bitch anyway?

Yes this is all cryptic but I'm a bit pissed off.

Sigh.

2 things that have woken me up...

2006-12-17T08:53:00.000+10:00

So yeah, I cried last night and didn't sleep well because of the party disaster. Sheesh I must be oversensitive!

Anyway, 2 things woke me up. Not literally of course, as I wasn't asleep to begin with.

Thing #1 (I'm starting to like point form lately...)- a mother at the Mater Brisbane hospital (where I had Alira) was left alone while bf'ing her 2 day old baby. She fell asleep, the baby was smothered and died. The nursing staff sucked when I was there so this doesn't surprise me that the mother was not checked for 2 hours!! rather than the regulation q15min checks which were supposed to be done. When I was there, I wrote down my own urine output in the chart and dealt with my own catheter as no one did a thing. Thankgoodness I knew what to do with myself and how to watch out for bleeding and a boggy uterus as these nurses were hopeless and did NOTHING. Anyway. Thankgod I have a healthy happy child and not one that has died.

Thing #2-I have just read that a mother turned away from her 5 month old (who was strapped into his stroller) to answer her cell phone. The kid rolled down an embankment, and into a river without the mother realizing. 20 mins. later, he's dead, her life is ruined.
So yes, another event to highlight that I should NOT be boo-hooing over a shitty party.

My prayers go out to those 2 mothers. How can you ever recover from that?

UnHappy Birthday

2006-12-16T14:35:00.000+10:00

Well, I don't know what I was expecting..Do a little dance, make a little love, let's get down tonight?
Nothing as flash as that...but at least a bit of conversation, a bit of eating, a bit of FUN..? How about a few guests as well?

Hmm...I did a lot of work for my darling's 2nd birthday party. Last night I missed playing warcraft in order to cut fruit, make dips, bake chocolate bread. And all for what I ask?

Guest #1-forgot the party was today, thought it was tomorrow. He lives an hour away so didn't come.
Guest #2-Decided she was going to go shopping, so was an hour late.
Guest #3 & 4-Oh yeah, have a work function, so left early before cake cutting.

Needless to say...I'm shattered. Who cries on the way home from their kids' party? Who feels like an utter failure as this was the first birthday party I have planned for her and it was awful? *answer-me!*

One good point, I have so much food left over that I have dinner for tonight and lunch for tomorrow.

Things I know for sure...

2006-12-13T14:08:00.000+10:00

You know how Oprah asks her guests that?

"What do you know for sure?"

I always thought it was a pretty good question, makes people think.

Here is what I know for sure:

1. When Alira goes down for a nap a hooning motorcycle rider will go past, or the neighbour will decide that NOW is a great time for some angle grinding (what the hell has he been creating for 2 years anyway?).

2. When I am really tired and dying for a nap, she won't sleep that day.

3. I know that whatever she liked to eat one day, she probably won't like another day.

4. Whenever I'm feeling calm, settled or semi-happy, I will hear something from an inlaw to wreck that or piss me off some how in some way.

5. I am scared to have another child. Scared of what I will get in terms of the type of kid, scared of everything that could go wrong, scared that I won't be able to handle it, scared of what it could do to my marriage as I do have a slightly selfish husband. lol. So, fear wins and I'm sticking with perfection thanks. :)

6. I will go out of my way and make a stop at the store in order to get Alira the only type of cheese she will eat as she has refused the different brand.

7. I would die for her. Simple as that.

Hmm...that's all I can come up with now. I'm sure there are more...but my back is aching, I THINK Alira is sleeping and the couch is calling....

Almost 2....

2006-12-11T08:52:00.000+10:00

The menu is planned, the guest list tabulated...(of course still waiting on a few dodgy inlaws to figure out what they are doing) and party favours bought and loot bags filled.

Now, all I have to do is the work.
Just think of me Friday night, slaving away trying to get all this party food made..:)

Thankfully I ordered a cake. I may be nuts, but I am not insane enough to attempt a cake along with everything else.

I think of how I felt 2 years ago at this stage. Scared shitless of labour and anticipating the birth of my son (wow, how wrong was my instinct there?) and hoping all would go ok and realizing that jeez, wearing flipflops constantly due to my swollen right foot was not a good look.
What an exciting time 2 years ago.

But 2006 is pretty good too. I've got a healthy sweet little girl (who can throw a tantrum that could stop a nation) and I am just so looking forward to xmas this year when she sees the mountain of toys. Can't wait to get that on video!

*as a side note, our santa photo did NOT happen this year. We have noticed that Santa is a great concept, but the reality is much more scary so it just wasn't going to work. I don't believe in forcing screaming children on santa's knee for the sake of a photo op, so we have given this year a miss!*

Thankyou Australia...

2006-12-01T18:07:00.000+10:00

Ok Australia has made amends...They have put Guardasil on the immunization schedule for our girls.

YAY!

Apparently it took some negotiating, and wow, Johnnie Howard managed to save $200 million from the first quote for the drug, but it got done.

Now, if only JH would stop talking nuclear and I just might start hating him a bit less.

Coffee anyone?

2006-11-23T15:27:00.000+10:00

Ok so she's 23 months going on 18 I think...

David is addicted to coffee, so much so that I bought him a 'coffee subscription' for his birthday (3 months of gourmet coffee from melbourne shipped to our door for him to grind and smell and drool over) and we have our own latte machine in the kitchen, of course!

So, Alira is into anything Dad is into.

Lucky for her, this is just frothed milk. No caffeine needed for my 'spirited child'. That is a nice way of saying "holy terror full of constant energy".

God, I love her though. Even though I'm like a damp dishrag on the couch after taking care of her each day.

Drink up!

Keeping up with the Joneses

2006-11-14T15:40:00.000+10:00

Who are they anyway? Who came up with that saying??

I bet the Jones Family were pretty annoying people. Always saying "Look at ME! Look at what I've GOT!" ....But I won't bow under this "children party pressure". It is a real thing let me tell you....You just HAVE to throw the best party each year for your child or else you don't deserve to be their parent! (Or so people say...).

So Alira's birthday is coming up. She will be 2 (TWO!!!!!!) on Dec.19th. I've decided to throw a little party as I did a runner last year and didn't do it for the big #1. See? Right there I'm a bad parent for not giving my child a first birthday party. I'm already behind the 8 ball!

But now I'm seeing what's out there. And what's out there is jumping castles, and clowns, and entertainers and kids face painters and it's all quite ridiculous. I was thinking of something simple near a body of water and a park. We would either be lucky enough to snag a picnic table (depending on how busy it is) or we would eat on a blanket on the ground. Decidedly NOT like the Joneses. I went to Spotlight today (craft/party/material store) and couldn't even force myself to buy the licensed plates and cups as they were too much money for plastic with simply a character imprinted on them. So just went with plain pink and purple instead. Am I a bad mother?

To be honest, I really don't think Alira is going to care if she's got Elmo cups or not. I am hoping people come to this party though. Final guest list was 15, but already 2 can't come so we are heading down....if 2 others can't come, that means our whole venue will change. It's a bit complicated. For something I am trying to simplify, it is already becoming a huge deal.

All I want is a happy girl on the big day, enjoying some cake (yeah, I'll cave and get her a cake with a character on it...), her friends and some sand, water and perhaps a park to play in. I think she will be in heaven with that. My daughter doesn't take much to please her. I am extremely glad about that.

And as far as the Joneses, well they aren't invited so I really couldn't care less. Jumping castles and huge catered events can go kiss my arse.

Wake up AUSTRALIA!

2006-11-11T20:47:00.000+10:00

For god sakes, this country makes me so f'ing mad sometimes!!!!!!!!!!

What about THIS time you wonder? Hmm....

This lovely wonderful brilliant Australian man, Mr. Ian Frazer has invented something that could save hundreds upon thousands of women's lives. It's called Guardasil. Has shown to prevent HPV and the cause of cervical cancer. It is 100% effective. It should automatically be put on the immunization schedule. But OOOH NOOOOO...mustn't do that. Mustn't do things that make sense! If this was something that could prevent men from getting prostate cancer you just know it would have been subsidized and given to all boys without even a little parliamentary meeting.

So now, the parents of girls will have to pay almost $500 for the 3 injections of Guardasil. Which is fine, just dandy, for the families that can afford it..and for the families that believe in it. Don't even talk about the families that don't put importance on it, or don't think that "their little girl" could ever get this virus when she becomes sexually active, because oh no, she won't be doing that. lol.
It should be put on the mandatory vaccination schedule, and that's IT dammit.

I'm mad for the families that won't or can't pay for these injections for their daughters. It's too late for me for the benefit of this vaccination...but let me tell you, I would pay tens of thousands to protect Alira from this awful virus and will have no problem handing over the $500 when the time comes. That amount of money is nothing compared to what the alternative is. The fact is, I shouldn't HAVE too pay for it. Not for this, an australian invention (and I'm living over here so come on, let the aussies win from this breakthrough) and something that is so unbelievably important for our girls.

Friggen Australia....give me a break.

And time keeps flying!

2006-11-01T07:43:00.000+10:00

Isn't it strange? Everyday (at times) feels just like the other and a bit boring and long. But then I look at the calendar and realize, wow, 2 months have passed and I haven't really noticed. Christmas is getting closer, which means Alira is getting close to 2. Where has the time gone? Oh yeah, it's been sucked away in books, building blocks, outings to the park, changing diapers, temper tantrums and the occasional early morning wake-up call.
So much has happened in so little time. The difference between a newborn and an almost 2 year old is just so huge.

Everything amazes me, simply because I have never been around kids. At least, never been around any kids that I have liked or bothered with. heehee. Kids growing up is like a time warp that's for sure. On fast forward.
I can barely get a picture of her face nowdays. She is always running, moving, turning around trying to get somewhere else to explore.

The pic above is pretty much the best I can do lately. At least this one isn't blurred.

Till next time...